Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 16 June 2008

California Descends Into Homosexual Lawlessness

The worst-case scenario feared by evangelicals around the country has begun unfolding in California this week. On the heels of the decision by the California Supreme Court to legalize gay marriage, California homosexuals have begun rounding up god-fearing Christians to have them deported to camps, guarded by Liberal Supreme Court Justices and scary lesbians, where they will all be forced to attend, perform, and have gay marriages. "But I was already unhappily married", one reluctant heterosexual male was heard to scream, as he was forcibly removed from his SUV by a woman in a flannel shirt, egged-on by a gang of 20-30 year old men with spiked platinum hair, who kept a safe distance.

The opposition minority heterosexual media, mouthpiece for the heterosexual resistance, has begun to label the movement the Homosexual Reeducation and Remarriage, or "The HoReR". Speaking under condition of anonymity, one woman said, "For me, The HoReR started, when they came in the middle of the night and took my husband, from his La-Z-Boy recliner. He didn't even have a chance to finish watching his NASCAR race".

While marginal opposition groups may call it "The HoReR", the movement itself is known by its official name, The California Homosexual People's Liberation Party (or CAHoPeLiP). Though lacking in eyewitness accounts, CAHoPeLiP is reportedly directed by a governing body, or politburo, known in the movement as "The Fab Five". By all accounts, it is the Fab Five's alleged sense of style that has led to the requirement that all non-certified homosexuals (those not registered with the San Francisco Homosexual Registry--SFHR--in the Castro District) begin wearing plaid squares, so that they might be easily identified by CAHoPeLiP officials for future reeducation and resettlement efforts.

The origins of CAHoPeLiP can be traced back to the very founding of Radical Homosexualism, which is based on the post-WWII writings of expatriate German homosexual, Karl Milx. In Milx's seminal text, Das Homosexual, he


wrote, "The homosexuals of the world have nothing to lose but their chains. They have a world to win. Homosexuals of all countries: Unite!", offering a clear directive for world homosexual revolution. Most importantly, Milx summed up the radical nature of the theory of Homosexualism, when he wrote, "The theory of Homosexualism may be summed up in the single sentence: Abolition of heterosexuals".

The Fab Five apparently took these directives from Das Homosexual and accessorized, creating a manifesto of the movement, entitled "The Fabulous Little Book", with inspirational quotations from CAHoPeLiP leadership to help give structure to their homosexual revolution. The book begins by stating the clear goals of the party and its linkage to the work of Milx, saying, "The California Homosexual People's Liberation Party is the core of the Homosexual Revolution, and its principles are based on Homosexualism. Party criticism should be carried out within the Party" (Chapter 1:13).

Later, the work attempts to correct mistaken ideas about the goals of the revolution. The book says, "Arrogance, lack of achievement after a prosperous period, selfishness, shirking hair product, and heterosexuality, are all evils to be avoided in California's development" (Chapter 24:15).

Sources inside California indicate that CAHoPeLiP directives are being enforced by another shadowy group, reporting directly to the Fab Five and known only as the "Queen Guard". According to the underground heterosexual resistance, members of the Queen Guard have been selected for their superior height, stunning bleach-blonde wigs, ability to walk in platform heels, and expert command of pancake make-up. Said one CAHoPeLiP loyalist, "With the Queen Guard, a few yards of fabric, some paint, and some turquoise, we should be able to make California 100% fabulous". The supporter ended with the now-ubiquitous CAHoPeLiP slogan, "Today California, Tomorrow the World!"

As the story unfolds, the world will be watching to see if Milx was correct, when he wrote, "Homosexualism deprives no man of the ability to appropriate the fruits of his labour".

Historically Weak


More Recently Weak

Back to Newsweakly Main Page

Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006, 2007, 2008 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler