Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 23 June 2008

Scott McClellan Testifies

Former White House Spokesman Scott McClellan was the talk of the nation's capital last week, when summoned to testify before the House Judiciary Committee. McClellan told the committee that Congress continues to investigate the Valerie Plame Wilson affair "because of what the White House has chosen to conceal from the public". When pressed by committee members for what exactly is being concealed, McClellan responded, "I have no idea what you are talking about". Several other committee members attempted to refresh Mr. McClellan's memory, quoting his earlier statement of a few moments before, but McClellan could not be swayed. He added, "My message has remained clear; I am not at liberty to speak of issues that might be found by purchasing and reading my book -- I will be staying on message".

After further questioning, McClellan exonerated the president of wrong doing. In subsequent statements, McClellan also implicated the president in the direct order to deliver false information via White House Chief of Staff Andy Card. When asked about the inherent contradiction, McClellan pointedly responded that he was unaware of any contradiction, pointing out that not only was he under oath, but he is a published author with a book to sell.

While McClellan's testimony lent new credence to concerns that the Bush administration has been actively lying to the nation for years, this was hardly news. Far more impressive to pundits across D.C. was the performance itself. "McClellan is like a portly Shakespeare of political theater", rhapsodized Fox News anchor Brit Hume, "You just have to admire his delivery". "Never has so little been said so often", added MSNBC's Keith Olberman, "His ability to say and unsay the same thing is just pure genius".

George Carlin Remembered

Renowned comedian George Carlin died on Sunday of a heart attack at age 71. According to sources close to the comedian, his last utterance was exactly seven words long. The FCC issued a posthumous fine.


White House Facing Foreclosure

In the latest development of the sub-prime lending crisis, the White House is reportedly nearing foreclosure, following several months of steady increases in the amount of its mortgage. When asked about the development at a recent press conference, President Bush said, "The state of our mortgage is strong; we are going to stay the course. A bailout at this point would be to admit defeat". Despite the president's outlook, insiders report that negotiators are pursuing several financing options. "Back at the start of his presidency, the only place Bush could get financing was via a sub-prime, fully adjustable mortgage from CountryWide", said industry analyst Lev Goldman, adding, "No one else would consider such a risk".

The House is considering an investigation into the matter, starting with the question of how the Bush Administration was able to qualify for a mortgage in the first place, based on Mr. Bush's lackluster performance and history of bankruptcy. Far more troubling to the House, however, is the fact that CountryWide did not offer sweetheart deals to the White House, while simultaneously offering such deals to other members of the Old Boy's ClubTM.

Sources within the Office of Management and Budge (OMB) indicate that the White House has recently been suffering from overall increased operating costs. "It is possible that Bush could have covered the increase in his monthly payment without the other costs", says financial analyst J.P. Chase. Topping such expenditures is the increased cost of fuel for Marine One, Air Force One, Hummer One, Escalade One, and JetSki One. There are reports that the White House is considering replacing Hummer One and Escalade One with Prius One, but analysts like Chase consider this too little, too late. Analysts are even less optimistic regarding other proposed measures to save the sought-after 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW address. Notes Chase, "Shifting military procurement to Costco could save a lot of money over several years, but the White House desperately needs cash now". Other rumors have circulated to the effect that the White house is seeking financing from China, Saudi Arabia, or perhaps a well-connected family originally from Sicily.

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