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Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM |
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| "Get your news weakly"SM | 4 August 2008 |
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End Of Summer Concert Tour AnnouncedWhat promises to be the hottest event of the summer concert season has just been announced: the Undead Zombies of Rock tour. The event, sponsored by AARP and Merck Pharmaceuticals, will resurrect the careers of some of the most talked about acts of a decade you can't recall because you either weren't born yet or you can't recall. Even more exciting is the plan to take the reunion tour and career resurrection to new levels by actually physically resurrecting long dead acts by reanimating key personnel through the miracles of modern medical science."For years, we have been resurrecting old acts, but it was mostly metaphorical, except perhaps for the Rolling Stones and Iggy Pop, who clearly died years ago, based solely on a visual inspection", said Merck Entertainment Coordinator, Lou Richards. According to press releases, Merck will be testing totally new biotechnology products that will facilitate the triumphant reunions of the Ramones, the Sex Pistols, and the Clash. Details of the technology have yet to be announced, but Merck spokespersons readily acknowledge that there are known limitations to the technology. "So far, we have not been able to find any way to resurrect Michael Jackson", said Merck's Richards, "While this technology is truly astounding, there simply is not enough of Michael's genetic material left to allow anyone to resurrect his career". Dates for the tour have yet to be announced, but venues are expected to be near brain surgery centers and other major hubs of brain research and storage.
American Intelligence DecliningNew studies jointly sponsored by the DOH Center and La Société de la Prééminence Européenne (SPE), based in Lyons, France have found that intelligence scores for U.S. residents are on a steadily downward trend. The experts offer in-depth analysis of the causes that lie behind the trends. In particular, the studies cite blah blah blah, coupled with the effects of yadda yadda yadda, which lead to an overall intellectual apathy or whatever. |
Emotional Impacts Of Economic DownturnWhatever one calls the current economic situation, a recession or just a downturn, most psychologists agree that it will have a lasting impact on children raised during this time, much as the Great Depression impacted an entire generation. What is particularly concerning to psychologists associated with Ivy League universities is the effect this downturn may have on the children of elite families. For instance, there have been reports that not all children will be given an iPhone. Some experts have even expressed the concern that many well-heeled children will be deprived of a second Wii controller. "The lasting impacts of the downturn cannot be underestimated", noted Dr. August Carnegie Rockefeller Mellon Winthrop, IV, adding, "Society deprives the rich of a sense of entitlement at their peril".Critics have pointed out that children of working families are likely to suffer more than those born to the top 5% of American households. In lower income tiers, families often are forced to ration preventive medical care, let alone game controllers. Dr. Winthrop counters, "While we are all certainly concerned with the abstract comfort of the less fortunate, this is a simple case of trickle-down sociology. If rich people are happy, the entire country is happy".
New Low-Cost Airline AnnouncedBucking the current general economic trends and the fortunes of the airline industry, a group of investors from San Francisco recently announced the launching of an entirely new low-cost airline: DeSade Air. According to the marketing materials, the new carrier specializes in "painfully low fares". Spokesperson for DeSade, Marc Ki, says, "We have a very different philosophy than the other airlines; it may not be for everyone". DeSade Air literature touts itself as "the only truly low-cost carrier", offering smaller, less-comfortable seating, fewer on-time arrival and departure guarantees, and absolutely no in-flight service. "We feel we are actually the most honest carrier operating today", says DeSade's Marc Ki. As of press time, Newsweakly was unable to purchase a ticket for any of the published routes for DeSade Air. |
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Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006, 2007, 2008 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler
