Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 6 October 2008

Campus Concerns Rise

As the presidential campaign continues to drag on, college campuses around the country have become more concerned about the health and well-being of their students. "What we have here is a public health crisis", says Dusty Fratson, with the Pan-Hellenic Health Association Trust (PHAT).

Of particular concern to PHAT is the continued use of the debate format. "This fall's debates have been the single biggest contributor to binge drinking on campuses", notes Fratson, citing a PHAT-commissioned study.

According to the PHAT study, binge drinking really took a sharp increase with the vice presidential debate, where campus groups competed with unofficial underground games with shadowy names like "Drink on Maverick" and "Drink on Nucular". The study attributes several nationwide hospitalizations as a result of these so-called games.

The report goes on to attribute copy-cat mentality to the steady increase of alcohol-related hospitalizations following the second presidential debate. In this case, evidence indicates that, perhaps to avoid detection by campus officials, the games shifted and were replaced by new and equally inscrutably named games like "Drink on My Friend". Most disturbing, however, is a report of an entirely new variant known by the street name "Chug during overtime", which according to those in the sub-culture, requires players to chug while a nominee speaks beyond his time limit.

The one bright spot in the PHAT study centers around the lack of a second V.P. debate. However, the report concludes that a third presidential debate could reduce the IQ on college campuses by 20 or 30 points. Fratson puts it bluntly: "For the good of the country's youth, we beg McCain to suspend his campaign before the next debate".


McCain Campaign Bus Requires Major Repairs

The presidential campaign of Republican Senator John McCain announced that its famed "Straight Talk Express" has been side-lined for the remainder of the campaign. Spokespersons for the campaign cite critical repairs which will most likely require a complete overhaul from the ground up.

"The Straight Talk was working really well for a while, but it just started breaking down, so we had to go with something different. The new vehicle is really fast and mean, though", says Wright Farquar with the campaign team.

Insiders indicate that the Straight Talk really started having the most trouble around the time that Alaska Governor Sarah Palin entered the campaign. "Yeah, this baby was always pretty dependable, if not all that glamorous, but around the time that Palin jumped on board, it started pulling to the right and making a whole lot of noise", said Jim-Bob Carville, the lead vehicular strategist working on the Straight Talk.

According Mr. Carville, even with the problems that started once Palin was aboard, the Straight Talk limped along for a while, nursed by a whole team of several vehicular strategists close to the campaign. However, fatal flaws were finally detected in the drive train about the time that Vice Presidential nominee Palin started attempting to link Democratic presidential nominee Barack Obama with never-criminally-charged former member of the Weather Underground, current professor, and philanthropic organization board member Bill Ayers.

"I really hope we can get the Straight Talk back on the road", said Carville, "but honestly I'm not so sure". With that, Jim-Bob Carville summed up the feeling of many, adding, "We may have seen the last of the Straight Talk".

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