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"Get your news weakly"SM 29 September 2008

Future Bank Mergers Planned

In an effort to get ahead of the expanding financial crisis and avoid further issues like the escalating court battle over control of Wachovia, the banking industry has issued a statement jointly with the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC), the Department of the Treasury, and the Federal Reserve. This statement lays out a proposed schedule for future mergers that will be funded by the government in last-minute trades to prop-up the banking industry. "We feel that laying out a schedule of last-minute government interventions and questionable consolidations of power in an already ethically challenged industry will lend stability to the market and the parachutes of our associates", said Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke.

The statement was accompanied by a detailed schedule laid out in a Gantt chart created in Microsoft ProjectTM and presented in PowerPointTM. In the final quarter of 2008, the highlights show the newly expanded Bank of America buying Bank One, Bankers Trust, Capital One, and Chase Manhattan, establishing the behemoth One Bank of Manhattan Capital Trust; Citibank, will complete its merger with Wachovia, then purchase Fifth Third Bank, resulting in FitiBank; while JP Morgan Chase, hot off its deal for Washington Mutual will buy Mellon Bank, Provident Bank, and Wells Fargo, creating JP Mellon Go.

In 2009, the schedule continues apace. In the first quarter, FitiBank is scheduled to buy JP Mellon Go, founding the newly strong powerhouse of DJ FitiBank, while the One Bank of Manhattan Capital Trust will drop the "Trust" altogether, changing its name to One Bank. In the second quarter of 2009, the successful train moves along with One Bank buying DJ FitiBank, establishing the rock solid DJ FitiOne. The third quarter of 2009 sees increased stability as DJ FitiOne of Manhattan merges with the Department of the Treasury to form a joint venture called AIG.

According to the schedule, the fourth quarter of 2009 will see the ultimate stability achieved in the market as AIG is purchased by the Bank of China, though key negotiators are said to be considering accelerating the schedule for this last purchase.


Crisis Deepens In Netherlands

Dutch Linguistic Economist Laars Hoopstaal feels that his country is on the brink of a crisis. In this case, that crisis is not through a deficit, but rather from a surplus -- a surplus of vowels. "We simply have too many vowels", said Hoopstaal, from his office in Haarlem. Hoopstaal and others are concerned about the tendency of vowels to congregate together. "What we have is a serious case of irritable vowel syndrome", says Hoopstaal.

A spokesperson for the Dutch government issued a statement at an impromptu press conference at a construction site along De Weel Straat in Hoorn, saying, "We aare taking this crisis seriously aand you caan expect fuurther meeasuures to be taken in the coming daays".

VP Debate Preparation Reportedly Intense

According to sources close to each campaign, the vice presidential nominees for both the Republican and Democratic parties worked extensively with coaches to perfect their delivery styles and grasp of basic facts before hitting the stage for the only vice presidential debate of this election season. Given the attention that has been directed at the speaking styles of both Democratic nominee Senator Joseph Biden and Republican nominee Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin, such preparation was to be expected.

In early preparations, Democrat Biden was working hard on his speaking style by reading and filling in Mad Libs. This strategy has worked for Biden in the past, keeping his language fresh and unexpected, making unusual historical leaps. Sources close to the campaign report having burned several of Mr. Biden's Mad Lib books.

The feverish preparation schedule was no different in the Republican camp, where Governor Palin was urged to spend several minutes a day familiarizing herself with the names of major newspapers. Some sources indicate that she was also forced to read the captions under several pictures on these newspapers.

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© 2006, 2007, 2008 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler