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"Get your news weakly"SM 27 October 2008

Shocking, Sinister Plot Uncovered

With the first viable African-American candidate for president of the United States of America leading in the polls, a plot has been uncovered that may influence the outcome of the election. The plot was hatched in a once-proudly smoke-filled room by a group known as "LEO". Working diligently despite the obstacle of the smoke-free workplace and the unnatural mental clarity it offers, the shadowy puppet-masters of LEO (Lehman Executive Officers) has been able to fashion a plot so shocking and so sinister that it needed its own headline.

A source with access to the heavily air-filtered and healthy back room revealed this week that the stock market is being manipulated to engineer a win for Democratic presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama. This source indicates that the wild swings in valuation are designed to provide the impression that the stock market is little more than a collection of bi-polar gambling addicts in need of supervision by Nurse Ratched. From what Newsweakly investigative journalists have uncovered, the plot seems to be working.

Investigative journalists were led to the plot through an anonymous contact known only by the cryptic code name of "The Secretary", who is assumed to be a pawn of the Wall Street fat-cats controlling the plot.

According to The Secretary, Wall Street drafted the Paulson plan to provide $700 billion in free government money, while simultaneously manufacturing the panic-based selling (and buying) in the financial markets worldwide.

Critics have already emerged, arguing that the Paulson plan is beneficial to Wall Street insiders, while the market swings are not. However, with appropriate insider information, millions of dollars are being made by alternately short-selling a stock and then buying millions of shares on margin, once that same stock reaches the pre-arranged low-point, set by LEO.


Of course, as with all truly sinister plots, this plot is not without its drawbacks. Specifically, The Secretary pointed out the difficulties in making this solution work. He told journalists, "Mostly it is really hard to coordinate the swings in the market, to make them look unplanned. Sometimes we go overboard, swinging too wildly up before crashing back down again. I keep telling people that we don't need to set a record for gain or loss every single day", though apparently, The Secretary's calls for restraint have gone unheeded by LEO.

According to The Secretary, members of LEO have lost millions (or possibly billions) of taxpayer dollars from mistakes in timing caused by poor coordination among LEO operatives. The only silver lining is the knowledge that LEO members risk none of their own money.

However, even with these safeguards, nay-sayers have noted that a McCain presidency would likely be more friendly to LEO than an Obama presidency. For this reason, some doubt the existence of this sinister plot. The motivation can be summed up in one word: revenge. On hearing the news of the plot, executives at AIG were reportedly seen leaving the country.

National Job Training Day Celebrated

October 31st sees the first annual celebration of "National Job Training Day". President Bush announced the inauguration of this national holiday, which is intended to "celebrate the creativity and entrepreneurial spirit of the American worker, even in the face of terrible adversity", according to a prepared statement read by Mr. Bush in a press conference. A key part of National Job Training Day will be to provide children with the skills they will need for the new economy, including dressing as bums, hobos, and tarts and combining their pitiful and/or provocative appearance to acquire food in door-to-door begging.

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© 2006, 2007, 2008 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler