Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 10 October 2005

Urban Sub-Culture Using Highly Sophisticated Calendar

Researchers in urban areas of the United States report finding an indigenous culture using what has been termed a Dimensionally Multivarious Calendar (DMC). Experts were stunned by the revelations regarding this culture, previously considered too self-absorbed to develop the kind of mathematical ability necessary to reconcile the traditional Western solar calendar with a system like the DMC. "It takes quite a lot of sophistication to run DMC", stated Dr. D.J. Jefferson of NYU´s Department of Mechanical Anthropology. While analysis of the discovery is still in its early stages, there is some speculation that the users of this calendric scheme may in fact be negotiating multi-dimensional space-time, considering the cultural members´ complete disregard for dominant Western conceptions of time.

Consultant: "It Can´t Be Done"

The IT industry was shocked this morning by reports that a consultant told her client that a request was physically impossible. Emergency workers dispatched to the scene indicate shock at the extent of the carnage, requesting State of Emergency declaration from the President.

While details of the unfolding story are still unclear, sources close to the contract indicate that the client, Hugh G. Boorman of Value Proposition Identification (VaPID), requested that consultants hired from Renato, Overwind, & Ignatius (ROI) build a complete replacement for Microsoft Windows without charging overtime, having any requirements, or access to the user base of 10,000 to which the system would be deployed in under a week´s time. Evacuees report hearing ROI Project Manager Leigh Anderson issue the words "I´m sorry, but that cannot be done".

Spokespersons for ROI refused to answer questions regarding the performance of Ms. Anderson. A prepared statement was read to reporters indicating that management "does not condone hate speech of any kind" and that, as soon as some whole portion of Ms. Anderson could be located, she would be "severely reprimanded" for unfairly assaulting clients with reality. "Mr. Boorman is a valued client of ROI and we take all VaPID requests very seriously, so we take full responsibility for the error and will deploy a team to immediately begin spin control", concluded the corporate statement.


White House Proposes Embedded Soldiers

In a surprise move today, the President announced a plan to include military support for all facets of society. Citing the success of embedded journalists in the advancement of the national sympathy toward the military agenda, the President issued a statement indicating a sincere desire to assist the population in times of crisis like natural disasters, epidemics, and civil disobedience urging acceptance of "the young men and women of our Armed Forces within the very fabric of our lives".

While details of the plan are still unclear, White House Spokesman Scott McClellan said "nothing is off the table right now. We are considering all options". Sources close to the administration indicate that the options being considered include stationing soldiers on street corners for a more visible show of national strength and democratic resolve, Army-staffed national identification checkpoints to keep track of the flow of people in the country, and possibly embedding soldiers in the actual houses of private citizens. "We have the military to thank for our freedom, so the least we can do is offer them a free place to stay after a day of patrolling our streets", said Christopher Attucks of Framingham, Mass.

Critics at first were quick to question the administration´s motives, drawing parallels with the British Army under King George III and various authoritarian regimes, but most fell silent in the face of unclear public support. Despite such counter-productive language, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales and White House Counsel Harriet Miers are working on a memo that will place the "embedded soldier" concept within a proper historical and constitutional context. Early drafts of the memo obtained by this paper show that Gonzales and Miers will argue, "the President has the constitutional authority to temporarily suspend our constitutional rights based on perceived threats to civil order".

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© 2005 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler