Newsweakly, 17 October 2005

	Irregular Reporting of Societal Issues^SM

"Get your news weakly"^SM	17 October 2005

Bush Administration Agrees To Release Cheney Energy Committee Notes In an effort to silence left-wing critics, the Bush Administration recently agreed to release all information regarding the Cheney Energy Committee. All notes will be transcribed by Benedictine Monks in traditional scriptoria set up on remote mountaintops in the Ozarks. The Senate Finance Committee agreed to fund construction of the scriptoria. Russ Feingold (D) stated, "We finally reached a compromise we can all be proud of. The American people will know the truth." Experts look forward to the truth being delivered via lovingly hand-lettered velum codices. Specially trained abbots will be retained to redact the codices using traditional medieval illumination techniques before delivery to the Justice Department. Website Issues Warm, Genuine Greeting Amazon.com today issued Linda Mae Shoup warm and heartfelt greetings saying, "Hello, Linda Mae Shoup", but the website did not stop there. The server went on, tapping into a wealth of intimate moments shared with Ms. Shoup, to say "We have recommendations for you". As further evidence of Amazon.com´s deep concern for Ms. Shoup´s well being, the website went on to say, in utmost seriousness, "If you´re not Linda Mae Shoup, click here". "That really made my day", said Ms. Shoup, of her interaction with the Amazon.com web server. "Those recommendations were so dead on; I wish my husband knew me nearly that well", mused the stay-at-home empty nester. "The fact that they even care who I am almost left me in tears", concluded Ms. Shoup, punctuating her thought with an audible sigh.		PTSD Reaches New Heights Among Liberals A combined research team from Bryn Mawr and Smith College report increased incidences of Principled-Trade Stress Disorder (PTSD) among the far left-wing fringe of society. Suffers begin with benign avoidance of a few key businesses based on a hot-button issue. Many see Exxon and Domino´s Pizza as "gateway" retailers. Left unchecked, however, suffers begin to see the negative in everything. Eventually PTSD results in left-wingers who are unable to patronize any retailer or use a household appliance, let alone eat or even use the restroom in a chain restaurant. As evidence of the epidemic, naked and shivering liberals have begun to dot the landscape in recent weeks. While researchers agree on the diagnosis, there is less agreement on the treatment protocol. Some clinical psychologists advocate MIT (Mocha Immersion Therapy), leveraging the easily available resources at any one of the dozen or so Starbucks within a mile of any PTSD sufferer. Opposing camps urge a "go-slow" approach, where individuals are reintroduced to a commercial habitat slowly with Earth and Worker-friendly products like Polartec. Weak Personals Seeking Married White Man Me: large, ungainly, lacking direction, mostly hopeless, good at losing elections, no good at parties, Democrat. You: tall, good hair, likeable, religious (no fundies), winning smile, good grammar, no skeletons. In a word; presidential.

More Recently Weak		Historically Weak

Back to Newsweakly Main Page

Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2005 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler