Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 31 October 2005

President Nominates Smokescreen

Facing increasing divisions within his own party, decreasing public support, a continually rising American death toll in Iraq, the resignation of a high-ranking official in the face of a multi-count indictment, and the ongoing investigation of criminal wrong-doing at the highest levels of the administration, the president announced the nomination of a smokescreen to fill Sandra Day O´Connor´s slot on the Supreme Court. When approached for comment, the nominee successfully drew attention away from the administration´s low points, appearing to unite the Republican base, while drawing fire from high-ranking Democrats.

Yucatan Rushes To Florida's Aid

Following the disastrous impact of the category-2 hurricane Wilma on the Florida peninsula, officials in the Mexican state of Yucatan expressed solidarity with their fellow Gulf residents and immediately pledged $100 million in aid. "Originally, when the full impact of Wilma struck the Yucatan peninsula as a category-5 hurricane, we felt as though God had abandoned us", said Pedro Ortega, coordinator of emergency preparedness for Cancun, "but seeing what those poor, white vacationers and retirees are going through really put it in perspective for us. We hope that some small part of what we donate comes back to us in some way."

"We are all children of God, separated by just three small categories", said Father Juan Alvarez Miguel Santo Domingo Alhambra, from the waterlogged ruins of his parish church, where the average income of US$3.00/day is often supplemented by the day-labor efforts of relatives who have relocated to Florida. "While those retirees could have chosen to live anywhere, they followed the call to build on low-lying property exposed to the ocean and we sincerely hope the relatives of our parishioners are up to the task of helping them reassemble the pieces of their shattered lives, and sending the proceeds back to their families by Western Union", concluded Father Alhambra.


Salesman Eaten By Flip Phone

Fred Murtz, a senior salesman with PBR Technologies, was eaten by his phone, a Nokia E-5000 on Saturday night at an up-scale French restaurant in lower Manhattan. Restaurant patrons indicate that the conversation, which lasted from the time Mr. Murtz and his female companion entered the restaurant through to the main course, focused mostly on golf, the upcoming Monday night football game, and the mental capacities of various co-workers before coming to a blissfully silent end. Mr. Murtz´ female companion refused to give her name or be interviewed for this piece, but eyewitness accounts have the young woman heaving a sigh of relief after the incident.

In an official statement released by Nokia, the company said, "We are disappointed in the performance of the E-5000, it should have been able to neutralize the offensive behavior during the hors d´oeuvres". The E-5000 is one of a new generation of mobile phones designed to combat the insensitivity of phone users. In addition to excellent graphics, a camera, an MP3 player, a personal organizer compatible with Outlook, GPS, a version of Webster´s Dictionary, a tricorder, a copy of the Bible, the Koran, and the Talmud, the Nokia E-5000 comes equipped with new "etiquette aware technology".

"We figured that, since we use phones to keep track of phone numbers that we used to remember, why not use phones to keep track of the rules of etiquette that we no longer remember", stated Nokia Chief Engineer Marvin Rho-Bhat. Similar developments are under way at Westinghouse, which is reportedly investigating the possibility of real-people personality traits for their refrigerators, washers, and dryers. "Think of the assistance you could have on those tough dieting days, when you go to the fridge for a snack", said Kathy McMillan, publicist and spokesperson for Westinghouse.

More Recently Weak


Historically Weak

Back to Newsweakly Main Page

Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2005 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler