Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 20 February 2006

Upcoming Drama Breaks New Ground

Still trying to increase market share over cable powerhouse HBO, Showtime has recently come to be known for taking risks on original dramas. Continuing in that tradition, Showtime hopes leverage the success of its popular series Queer as Folk (based on the British series) to open the untapped Techno-Gay market with its new show Queer as Pong. According to press materials, the show will focus on the intertwined lives of homosexual game designers at two competing companies in Silicon Valley. "Queer as Pong brings Gay technologists to the forefront in a way that has not really been tried", reads the press release from Showtime. While some Gay rights activists are charged up by the development, the connection is not universal. A critic for San Francisco's Bay Area Reporter recently complained, "Watching the QaP characters bat dialog back and forth through the program, I could not help but see them all as very one dimensional and flat. I was left wondering-what's the point, is this just a few disconnected bits? I have doubts that America will bite."

Cheney Implicated In String Of Politically-Motivated Attacks

An investigative team of hard-hitting reporters has been digging into last week's policy-shaking news that the Vice President shot a man in the face, while hunting in Texas. The team, led by Geraldo Rivera, has uncovered sources incontrovertibly linking Cheney to a series of high-profile, politically-motivated shootings. "Initially, we were suspicious of the information, but the sources uncovered by our team of underpaid interns proved to be pretty solid", said team member Paula Zahn.


Some experts strongly disagree with the assertions. Most of these experts note that starting the shooting spree with Ferdinand is highly unlikely, considering how many other similar shootings and stabbings occurred prior to that time, bearing the signature of Mr. Cheney. Specifically, these skeptics cite evidence that the Vice President was a conspirator in Caesar's murder, based on long-suppressed texts that have Caesar murmuring "Et tu Chene?", rather than naming Brutus, as is commonly related.

Asked to shed light on the remarkable length of the spree, the research team pointed to Cheney's human-animal hybridization. The hybridization allows Cheney to live for generations, as long as he is able to periodically retreat to his secure undisclosed location and restore vitality sapped by prolonged exposure to sunlight.

DHS Pursues Aggressive Outsourcing Policy

Sources within the Department of Homeland Security indicate that the recent departmental announcement that a Dubai-based company would provide security for the largest seaports in the U.S. was merely the first step in a broader program of outsourcing. "Having a middle-eastern company in charge of homeland security gives us an edge, cutting out the middleman, which is something we hope to leverage going forward", reportedly said Director Chertoff. In an official statement released today, the agency named a family-owned company from Saudi Arabia to begin running airport security for the TSA. "BLI Worldwide has significant experience with high-profile cases of airline security", reads the statement, citing specific work in the past with American Airlines and system testing at Boston's Logan Airport. The statement closes optimistically, hoping that the new contract with BLI Worldwide "will make the TSA a well-oiled machine".

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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler