Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 27 February 2006

Student Repatriation Program

Concerned about the fate of students leaving the university system, the University of Maryland has begun a new Student Repatriation Program (STREP), intended to reduce recidivism among the student population. "We are concerned that students are not entering society with enough skills to prevent them returning when the going gets rough", said STREP founder and parent of three college-aged students Ed Hurtz. According to STREP materials, the program offers a series of workshops focusing on critical skills overlooked by the wider curriculum, like Looking Both Ways Before Crossing Streets, No Longer The Center Of The Universe, Paying My Own Phone Bill, and Buying My Own Car, among others. Student reaction has been mixed, but generally positive. Sixth year undergraduate junior anthropology major Justin Case commented, "I always thought those anthropology courses were just theoretical, but now I know that there are actually other people besides college students, somewhere out there", after attending a STREP overview. Mr. Hurtz is excited about the progress of the program so far, saying, "My hope is that we can get STREP to as many students as possible".

Olympic Athlete Overcomes Tragedy

26-year-old Olympic skier Jan Johannsen was born two and a half years after his older sister and only sibling in the suburbs of Vienna to middle-class parents Hans and Gretta Johannsen. He grew up at home with both parents and his older sister until attending the University of Vienna, where he received a degree in biology. During his school-age years, he maintained familial relationships with his sister and parents, though he never expressed any particular psychic connection with other family members. Despite such painful social and emotional handicaps, coupled with the complete lack of terminal illness, debilitating poverty, or sudden unexpected catastrophe, Jan took up skiing at a young age, destined to become better-than-average. Last week at the Olympics in Turin, Italy, Jan became a shining beacon for the tragically normal by finishing 11th, 14th, and 19th in his three alpine skiing events. Jan Johannsen: Newsweakly salutes you and your gallant efforts.


Fundamentalist Christians Developmentally Challenged

Psychologists are increasingly concerned about the mental capacity of the growing group of Americans calling themselves evangelicals. Research by the DOH Center reveals that evangelicals are unable to recognize the literary device of irony. In particular fundamentalists do not recognize the irony inherent in the fanatical desire to bring the political processes of the country into line with their religious beliefs, which are allowed by the very openness that they seek to destroy in the name of the religion that the country's political process makes possible. Researchers are concerned that this cognitive deficit may indicate deeper problems, as evidenced by the group's penchant for banning books containing sex, violence, and anti-family messages, while either unable or unwilling to recognize these same themes in the Bible.

Local Software Developer Quits Perfectly Good Job

Late last week, local software developer Steven Mawlovich announced his intention to volunteer for a severance package at his well-established and stable software company. Sources close (in age) to Mr. Mawlovich are optimistic for the potential such a severance package might offer to recapture youth and a love of life systematically crushed by devotion to the dominant Western capitalist pathos, creating cookie-cutter people leading cookie-cutter lives. Some insiders went so far as to express a desire for similar opportunities at their own company. However, not all experts were as positive. Edna Mawlovich, mother of Steven, said, "Why does he go and do such a thing to me? Such a good boy he was, but lately it's always with the kvetching, and now he goes and throws away his whole life, like some schnook! And for what? Happiness? Oy vey, now he wants happy!" Unsubstantiated reports indicate that Mr. Mawlovich may focus on an independent writing career in satire.

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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler