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"Get your news weakly"SM 6 March 2006

Special Edition: Entertainment Weakly

Oscars Politically Revealing

The 78th Annual Academy Awards proved particularly revealing this year for the direction of the political leaning in evidence. According to a close analysis by political experts at Good Morning America and Access Hollywood, the Hollywood establishment appears to have a completely unexpected liberal bias.

American Public Incapable Of Independent Thought

Following the Oscar gala, concern has erupted among the nation's elite entertainment press corps: the public may not be capable of understanding political messages without being fed information like the baby birds they are. Since the liberal bias of the event was so subtle, the press corps became concerned that viewers may not have noticed the political undertones amidst the fanfare over the purely escapist movies Crash and Brokeback Mountain, nominated for Best Picture. As a result, media analysts will be required to point out this subtle political message at all opportunities, repeatedly.

Fewest Number Of Best Picture Nominees Ever!

In another milestone for this year's Oscars, the Academy decided to nominate only two films for the category of Best Picture: Crash and Brokeback Mountain. Sources close to the Academy assert that there were, in fact, three other films nominated, but this appears to be pure speculation. Not one source interviewed by Newsweakly could corroborate these allegations and no one could recall the names of the elusive "other three", as they have come to be known. Reports issued immediately after the event corroborate the two nominee milestone when they specifically stated, "Crash beat out Brokeback Mountain for this year's Best Picture", without any mention of the "other three". Oliver Stone has reportedly sworn to investigate until the truth of the "other three" is brought to light through a much-hyped film to be released in 2007.


Conservative Values Upheld By Oscars

This year's Oscars, while displaying a subtle, yet decidedly liberal political outlook, ended up affirming core conservative values. Going into the evening, the favorite to potentially sweep the Oscars and capture the coveted Best Picture category was Brokeback Mountain, a film dealing with the homosexual relationship of two cowboys, based on the short story by Annie Proulx. Many pundits in the Liberal Media EstablishmentTM heralded the development as a triumph for the Gay AgendaTM, seeing this as the logical first step toward a Homosexual For PresidentTM. However, hopes of the Liberal Media EstablishmentTM were dashed when the fluff piece Crash jumped out of nowhere to land Best Picture honors. Conservatives everywhere were elated over the development. Trent Lott issued a statement praising the Academy, saying, "It is good to see that the traditional conservative values of racism can still triumph over homosexuality in this great country".

Bush Pursues Post-White House Career

The only non-Oscar news to occur anywhere in the world this week was still entertainment-related, though it united entertainment and politics. President George W. Bush submitted his latest demo reel for a spot on Fox TV's sketch comedy series Mad TV. In the latest attempt at comedy, the president played the straight man in a skit about Hurricane Katrina. Producers at Mad TV commented that they are still not considering Mr. Bush for the show. "The problem is that he just isn't funny", said producer David Salzman, adding, "Besides, he isn't that convincing".

2007 Oscar Preview

With this year's Oscars only just behind us, rumors have already begun to surface about next year. The biggest rumor surrounds the possibility of a lifetime achievement award for puppeteer Carroll Spinney, most known for his work on Sesame Street, where one of his characters is known as "The Grouch". There are said to be many notable stars pushing for the achievement award, including Robert DeNiro. "This Oscar is for down and dirty character acting that is not afraid to sing out 'I love trash'", said DeNiro, adding, "Spinney's work was a real inspiration for me. Clearly, his work on Sesame Street was Oscar quality". Some insiders feel that the lifetime achievement award for Spinney is in the can.

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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler