Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 13 March 2006

NSA Wiretaps Lead To New Terrorist Threat

New development may change attitudes toward the NSA's wiretapping program, as sources within the agency indicate that a new terrorist threat has been uncovered-streaker cells. "Regardless of the legality, the naked truth is that Americans want to feel like they are not exposed", said one terrorism expert with the Department of Homeland Security. The anonymous NSA sources indicate that the new threat was first glimpsed during wiretaps of Sheboygan, Wisconsin. "At first we didn't even want to look too closely at the threat", admitted one senior official. "The data was just dangling there before our eyes, so believing it was, well, hard", added another. At least one person claims to have witnessed such a streaker cell in action. "I saw him comin' around the World Bank. He didn't have one nothin' but a loan", said Raymond Stevens, DC resident. "These streaker cells show the truly ugly turn of the global war on terror", said visual terror expert Donna Karan, reflecting the fears of most Americans. According to sources within the NSA, the primary concern of security experts and public health officials is the very real possibility that the streaker cells might drop a dirty bomb or potentially weaponize gas.

US Porn Industry On Slippery Slope

Senators from both sides of the aisle reported initial results from a broad survey of the current offerings of the US Pornography Industry, leading to the conclusion that the industry is on a "slippery slope". Emerging from a closed-door session on the matter, Senator Edward Kennedy (D-MA) felt that "we have deeply investigated the matter and I, for one, feel we still have a large problem". Speaking with reporters in the Hart Office building, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-TN) said, "in my opinion as a medical doctor, the whole industry probes dangerous territory that we need to get a handle on". Industry experts urged slow and deliberate proceedings, including further investigation, to which the special committee readily agreed. Despite the fact that the all-male special committee was unanimously positive regarding the progress of the sessions, Senator Hillary Clinton (D-NY) expressed irritation with the proceedings, saying, "I am disgusted by the whole idea and want nothing to do with him".


Spring Break Particularly Hot

A draft Commerce Department report obtained by Newsweakly stated that the level of travel and expenditure by college students on spring break has intensified recently, making it quantifiably hot. According to the language in the report, the heat of the travel market specifically is due to human intervention. The draft report went on to say that unless governmental measures were taken, the business of college spring break is likely to continue to heat up. However, officials within the Bush Administration have expressed concern over the report, refusing to release it unless the language was changed to reflect some ambiguity in the causes of the heat of spring break. "There are many reasons that spring break is so hot and I think that there are a lot of reputable scientists who disagree with the conclusions of this report", said President Bush.

Bravo Franchises Successful Series

Capitalizing on the success of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy ("QESG"), Bravo has announced two new series in the same vein: Queer Eye for the Rabbi and Queer Eye for the Evangelical Christian. While the formula for both shows follows the format of the original, each spin-off is targeted toward a slightly different audience. Queer Eye for the Rabbi hopes to draw in an audience seeking fabulous Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, featuring pastel accents and floral arrangements that are just to-die-for, with the pilot episode taking the QER team to a bris. However, Queer Eye for the Evangelical Christian trades on the sometimes tense relationship between homosexuals and evangelicals. The pilot episode for QEEC features a make-over of a mega-church in Tennessee, but the action seems to focus on picketing by a group of congregation members, a hunger strike by skin-headed white male church members, and repeated shouts of "Foul Sodomite!" by church deacon Willy Brown, with mouth frothing. One of the cast members reportedly said to Deacon Brown, "You sure are one snacky treat!" Officials at the local hospital report that all five cast members are in stable condition.

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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler