Newsweakly, 20 March 2006

	Irregular Reporting of Societal Issues^SM

"Get your news weakly"^SM	20 March 2006

Three Year Anniversary Gifts Immensely Popular Americans love a celebration, and current retail numbers clearly prove this truism. With the Third Anniversary of Iraq upon us, stores have been swamped with sales anniversary gifts of all kinds, but particularly leather items, leather being the traditional third anniversary gift. "Americans just want to feel like they are participating in some way", says Sandy Tigris, researcher for the Objectively Kitschy Retailers Association (OKRA). Statistics show that the most popular items are bondage gear used to dominate others or inflict pain. Bush Reaffirms Preemption, Causes Bipartisan Backlash Politicians from both sides of the aisle expressed concern this week, following President Bush's reaffirmation of the doctrine of preemption. Newsweakly has learned that a group of former Secretaries of Defense and State, as well as their aides has formed with the intention of protesting the doctrine of preemption. The group is said to include aides to Eisenhower's Secretary of State John Foster Dulles, Kennedy and Johnson's Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara, and Reagan's Secretary of Defense Caspar Weinberger. Newsweakly obtained a draft copy of the group's initial statement, which begins, "We have a long tradition of respect for the sovereignty of other nations", going on to cite the humanitarian work of the US in Central and South America throughout most of the 20th Century and large parts of the 19th. The draft statement concludes with strong words, urging the current administration to "avoid turning the US into some kind of global bully who will send troops half-way across the globe to fight wars that turn whole populations against us and divide the nation". In addition, Rupert Murdoch gathered executives of the major broadcast networks to protest the doctrine of preemption, citing poor ratings in the last several State of the Union Addresses. "We cannot afford to have our highly targeted programming preempted for a bunch of mouth-breathing idiots who are low in the polls", said Murdoch.		US Corporations Pioneer Streamlined Business Processes According to Harvard Business School, more US companies are taking pioneering steps to streamline their business processes. "In a globally competitive world, it is absolutely essential for a company's business processes to shift to a new paradigm of streamlined efficiency, both in terms of intra-technical development-based activities and inter-organization relationship-building", says David Upton, Professor of Business Administration at Harvard. Evidence outside of academia seems to back up these claims. A telecommunications company headquartered in the Washington, DC metropolitan area recently undertook a major business process restructuring, as part of their drive to be more competitive. As part of this restructuring, the company has eliminated the use of project names, preferring the accuracy of alphanumeric project identifiers. "The old way was so cumbersome", says Prahj Manajé, "I could never figure out whether I was dealing with Project Cheeseburger or Project Meteor; it just didn't make sense". A co-worker agreed, praising the clarity of the new system, "Now when I want to talk about a project, I just use either the identifier from the Enterprise Program Operational Objectives Database [EPOO] or the Corporate-wide Repository for Architectural Programs Database [CRAP] and then provide the Distributed Undertaking and National Guarantor Database [DUNG] cross-reference identifier to ensure consistency". Independent auditors with significant experience in the Texas-based energy sector report marked increases in project management efficiency, as well as database licensing and process training costs. Though still early in the adoption process, executives at the company are exceedingly optimistic. "Last week, we implemented EPOO 9972.003 / CRAP 22.932.04a, which is cross-referenced in DUNG as BS-666333222, and it was simplicity itself to keep track of the whole thing", said CFO Steve Sullivan.

More Recently Weak		Historically Weak

Back to Newsweakly Main Page

Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler