Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 1 May 2006

Parthenogenesis Perfected In Korean Lab

Close on the heels of the ethical scandal surrounding the Korean stem-cell research, a lab in Seoul has announced the first successful example of human parthenogenesis. Researchers have reportedly been actively pursuing parthenogenesis for decades, citing the obvious health benefits to migraine sufferers, and are said to be extremely excited about the current break-through. "All previous examples of parthenogenesis have been attributed to deities, so our ability to apply this technology to mere mortals is a major step forward for humanity", said a spokeswoman for the lab. Critics of the process cite inherent dangers in the process, noting particularly the social and ethical concerns of bringing humans into the world fully grown. "How will the social welfare system handle these citizens?" asked one British ethicist, noting that with immortals, the offspring never reach old-age, but humans created in this manner will reach retirement much more quickly. The Korean lab swept aside such concerns, noting the obvious health and research benefits. "This advance brings humanity head and shoulders above previous medical advances", said the lab spokeswoman.

Local Day Care Closes Unexpectedly

Local residents were surprised to find that the neighborhood day care center closed down this morning, with officials from Social Services, the Health Department, and the Police in attendance. "The owners of Broken Glass Day Care always seemed like such nice folks", said one local resident and customer, who refused to give his name. Officials at the Health Department would not comment on the reasons that the day care center was closed, citing an open investigation. Buddy Gordon, owner of Broken Glass Day Care spoke freely to reporters, alleging, "They done had it in fer us the whole time we been open". Mr. Gordon went on to assert that he would fight the closure. "I love them kids and it breaks my heart that me an the little tikes ain't gonna be able to play sharpen-the-stick anymore", said Mr. Gordon.


Stuffed Animals Organize, Protest Treatment

Stuffed animals at the Sangre-Bueno household began organizing Saturday night to protest mistreatment at the hands of their captor, young Carol Sangre-Bueno. The stuffed animals, led by a floppy penguin obviously lacking stuffing and a squishy peep sporting spit-up stains chanted slogans demanding an end to their unethical treatment and incarceration. "For too long we have been poked, prodded, thrown, and pushed. We will no longer tolerate such behavior", said spokesanimal for the group, a two-foot tall Winnie the Pooh, who presented a series of demands, written in crayon.

International Stuffed Animal Rights activists rallied to the cause of the Sangre-Bueno stuffed animals. Stuffed Amnesty International issued a call for all animals to be freed at once, threatening a letter-writing campaign. "Sadly, this is not an isolated incident. Stuffed animals are cruelly abused every day in this country", said Eeyore, celebrity spokesanimal for PETSA, People for the Ethical Treatment of Stuffed Animals.

Despite the unrest and the serious charges, several Beanie Babies in the household crossed the picket line. "We don't really understand what all the fuss is about. The treatment we receive is admirable", asserted Wood Duck, with collectible tags still attached.

Unemployment Not That Different From Telecommuting

Former software developer Steven Mawlovich reportedly told close associates that unemployment is not that different from telecommuting. "The internet and my laundry are still there", said Mr. Mawlovich, according to sources familiar with the situation. Workers' Rights and Alternative Workplace activists issued a statement strongly denouncing Mr. Mawlovich.

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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler