Newsweakly, 12 June 2006

	Irregular Reporting of Societal Issues^SM

"Get your news weakly"^SM	12 June 2006

New Information On Al-Zarqawi's Death Information recently leaked to the press by high-level Pentagon officials casts doubt on the assertions that precision bombing was the cause of Al-Zarqawi's demise. The unnamed sources feel there is strong evidence to suggest that Al-Zarqawi was actually killed by precision guided bird flu. Pentagon officials could not be reached for comment. Al-Zarqawi: "I Was Robbed" According to a large middle-eastern medium known to channel recently departed Islamist fighters, Al-Zarqawi's immortal soul reported angrily that, "I was robbed!" When pressed further, the channeled voice of Al-Zarqawi noted that of the 72 virgins who were supposed to meet him in the afterlife, 20 had the clap and 30 had crabs. Neither Mohammed nor the Almighty could be reached for comment. In a press conference, however, the Almighty's press secretary, Archangel Gabriel, said, "Falwell, we're watching you". AT&T Releases New Products In the continuing search to differentiate themselves within the competitive US telecom market, AT&T (formerly SBC Communications) has created a product to compete with Caller ID. The new product, Caller Enhanced Global Operator, will provide newer, smarter interfaces for customers to manage incoming and outgoing calls from a "virtual personal call center". "We felt that the existing Caller ID technology merely met the basic needs of the average consumer, but that most telephony users have matured beyond that. It is for these customers that we have created Caller EGO", says AT&T Chairman and CEO Edward Whitacre, Jr. Industry insiders hint that Google may be making a move to garner some of the telecom market with a more advanced version of Caller EGO that will use advanced matching algorithms to sort incoming and outgoing calls based on their moral and ethical relevance to a set search criteria. The product is reportedly being built under the code name "Caller Super EGO".		Marriage Amendment Failure Causes National Catastrophe This past week, the Senate failed to approve the proposed so-called "Marriage Amendment", despite the obvious marital crisis facing the nation, particularly as we move into the height of the annual divorce season with the Gulf States still reeling from Katrina and her sisters. As could be expected, the day after the failure of the amendment, marriages across the county imploded violently, spreading debris of pre-nuptial agreements and visitation strategies across the landscape. Parent Violates Son's Privacy According to a source close to the family, Mike Stultipfier's privacy was violated by his own parents. Reports indicate that, late last week, young Mr. Stultiphier's parents established an account on the popular social networking web site myspace, leading to a series of parental faux pas. Unnamed sources report that the reasoning behind the parental faux pas was grounded in a desire to "find out how our money is being spent by that freeloader when he is at college". Speculation has been swirling about the genesis of the desire by the elder Stultipfiers, particularly considering the recent return of Mr. Stultipfier from college to his parent's home in suburban New Jersey. When confronted by his parents, Mr. Stultipfier expressed incredulity at the magnitude of the transgression, saying, "Like, you, like, looked at my myspace profile? And, like, you didn't even like, ask? That stuff was like, private!" Some intramural friends of Mr. Stultipfier confirm the seriousness of the offense, with one unnamed, but often pictured acquaintance noting, "I am so totally never going to meet his parents, since they will just think of me as the guy passed out in the dumpster". Speaking before supporters and trusted advisors, Mr. Stultipfier was unrepentant. The elder Mr. and Mrs. Stultipfier refused comment for this article, but not before the patriarch muttered, "I'm not sure I really wanted to see that, but he is paying his own way from now on".

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