Newsweakly, 19 June 2006

	Irregular Reporting of Societal Issues^SM

"Get your news weakly"^SM	19 June 2006

NHL Has A Season Well place sources indicate that professional hockey was played in rinks across the nation this year. There are additional unconfirmed reports that a North American champion was selected in a state where ice is generally a thing of mystery. Some experts feel the reports of an NHL season are grossly exaggerated and that evidence to support such a conclusion (e.g., crowds or ratings) is distinctly lacking. In related news, the NHL has been declared a faith-based organization and will receive federal funding for every fan who believes in their relevance. Conservatives Ignore Threat From Left Some political analysts have recently noted the cavalier attitude with which the Conservatives are treating the increasingly well-organized and concerted threat from the Left. "These people have the potential to be a strong political force that can topple the dominant Republican party", said one well-connected analyst, before dissolving into laughter. Two slightly disorganized Marxists in New Jersey run a web site which analysts consider "potentially revealing" of highly arcane and possibly untrue allegations regarding the government. "The lack of attention given to these sources is notable", writes Green Party spokesperson Eileen Wheigh-Left. These two Marxists represent, in a very abstract way, the concerns of dozens of people somewhat like them across the country. Other Left-leaning individuals disagree. Poll Reveals Hillary Clinton To Be Favored Candidate In a recent survey sponsored by the Heritage Foundation, 89% of registered Republicans favored Hillary Clinton as the next Democratic nominee for president. "We think she has real potential to meet our needs", said one unnamed Republican strategist.		World Captivated By Childish Pastime Across the globe the self-deluded and mentally incompetent continue to gather in front of radios and televisions for news of the World Cup. Officials at the Department of Homeland Security acknowledge that the plague has even reached the shores of the US. "It is frighteningly un-American", said Department Secretary Michael Chertoff. Experts from diverse locations, including Dallas, Pittsburgh, Detroit, and Chicago agree that real men play football, making the increasing popularity of soccer completely unfathomable. "They don't even use the right name for it", said Secretary Chertoff. A House committee will be formed to investigate un-American activities related to soccer and how these might be used as a pretext to deport persons deemed undesirable. Cost Determined To Be Factor In Purchasing Economists at the Wharton School of Business have begun studying an emerging trend, where a remarkably high correlation has been noted between purchasing and significantly elevated costs. This research was initiated following the increase in prices experienced in the energy sector. "It seems that the average consumer actually pays more when prices go up", states Wharton professor of economics Dr. Rolly Hy-Price. Experts everywhere are hailing this discovery. "Finally we have something concrete to talk about in economics", said Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke. The Wharton research team urged caution, noting that their findings are merely preliminary and much more study will be needed to determine what impact, if any this will have on economic theory. Bill Clinton In The News Since his wife Hillary has entered the spotlight in more significant ways, Bill Clinton has become increasingly known for his humanitarian work for disaster victims around the world. Despite the success of his wife, or perhaps because of it, Mr. Clinton still manages to make a splash whenever his name comes up. In fact, the Germans have invented a new word to describe Mr. Clinton's public experiences: schadenfreuderotica. While there is no direct translation into English, the word roughly translates as "the glee one feels over the sexual misfortune of another".

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