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Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM |
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| "Get your news weakly"SM | 26 June 2006 |
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National Weather Service To Begin Offering Traffic PredictionsLate last week, the National Weather Service announced that it would begin leveraging its core competencies in super-computing and astrology to begin predicting traffic patterns around the country. Apparently, the move came as a result of some side work by one employee whose 10 mile commute in the DC metro area takes an average of 110 minutes each way. "As Dr. Bottleneck began researching the problem, he noticed some marked patterns", said a spokesperson for the National Weather Service. According to sources close to the research team, these patterns included consistently heavy traffic into city centers in the morning, followed by heavy traffic in the opposite direction in the evening. Researchers also noted a high correlation between traffic flow direction and the amount of leased office space in an area. Most intriguing was the correlation between construction and traffic delays. "We do not know what to make of these data, yet", said the spokesperson, "but we hope to keep analyzing it in order to perfect our predictions as a service to the American people". When asked about the relationship between weather and traffic prediction, NOAA Public Affairs Director Jordan St. John said, "both problems make critical use of supercomputing and concepts originating in Chaos Theory, besides, our accuracy at traffic is slightly higher than it is with weather".
Warren Buffet Does WindowsIn a move that surprised philanthropy watchers, the world's second richest man publicly indicted the Macintosh Operating System with his announcement that he would fund the Gates Foundation, a front organization for the global terror organization, Microsoft. Microsoft strongman Bill Gates released a video from his remote hideout in the Cascade Mountains, praising the foresight of Mr. Buffet and promising to crush all global opposition, beginning with Macintosh and moving on to the infidels using Linux. |
Fox News Attacks AljazeeraIn reaction to the weekend Op Ed piece in the Washington Post, announcing an upcoming English language television channel, Fox News attacked Aljazeera for what it called that channel's "blatantly biased reporting". Bill O'Reilly, a Fox News pundit, said, "We at Fox will not sit idly by while the unimpeachable morals and Christian dominance of America go besmirched by these godless infidels, who hate our freedoms. This country is a no-spin zone, mister". The official press release went on to note what it considered "misleading and slanted journalism that smacks of pandering to the politics of the average viewer" in the work of the Aljazeera network, calling the channel guilty of "baseless, least-common denominator demagoguery". Aljazeera released an official reply, stating, in total, "takes one to know one".
Jon Stewart Effect Far ReachingFollowing the shocking allegations announced in the Washington Post, regarding the deleterious effects of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, researchers have begun speaking of "The Stewart Effect". The Stewart Effect has come to represent the ability of politicians to divert attention from their own shortcomings, focusing anger on those who would highlight these foibles. Researchers investigating the Stewart Effect have begun combing the history books for evidence of its work in past political crises. So far, public polling originally conducted by Emperor Constantine indicates The Stewart Effect dragged down the Roman Empire through blatant cynicism verily handing the Visigoths keys to the Western Empire. Mr. Stewart is also being investigated for what role he and his Effect may have played in the sunset on the British Empire, the fall of the Soviet Union, and the Lost Generation. Mr. Stewart could not be reached for comment. |
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all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler
