Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 3 July 2006

Political Candidate Chooses Running Mate

White male candidate for Maryland governor, Robert Ehrlich, selected a symbol for his running mate. Experts are confident that the blind female named to the ticket is an actual human, but critics remain unconvinced. "I mean really, he chose a black man for his last running mate, which seemed like pandering to a particular constituency, but this really takes the cake; why not just get a half-black, half-Hispanic quadriplegic?", said an unidentified voter in Annapolis. Spokespersons for the Ehrlich campaign were unapologetic, issuing a statement saying, "Ehrich's running mate represents what is best about America and the great state of Maryland. We feel confident that Ehrlich's running mate will bring her qualities of leadership as a disabled woman to bear on many issues relevant to her kind".

New Versions Of Viagra Available

Pfizer, manufacturer of the popular prescription medication Viagra, has announced new formulations to be available later this year. Critics have complained that these new formulations add nothing to the capabilities of the medication, but serve merely as a means for Pfizer to extend patents and retain swelling profits. Spokespersons for Pfizer, however, insist that the new formulations are designed to target specific problems identified by their patients and researchers. "We have specifically taken a page from the software industry, which has been so successful in tailoring their products to unique needs of each constituency", said Pfizer spokesman Mr. Holmes. Following their theory of targeted medications, Pfizer will be releasing Viagra XP, as an improved formulary of the existing popular medication. The meaning of the XP appellation is unknown at this time, but based on the research claims, many assume it refers to expended performance. In addition to Viagra XP, the company announced two other targeted formularies, including Viagra Pro, aimed at the needs of the office. "We find the needs of the professional to be unique over the casual or recreational user", said Mr. Holmes, in a speech to the, largely male, US Chamber of Commerce, which was greeted by a standing ovation. The remaining formulary is reportedly Viagra HandHeld, capitalizing on the success of the PalmPilot.


Al Zarqawi Buried In Secrecy

According to reports from the new Iraqi government, the body of recently slain Al Qaeda leader, Abu Musab al Zarqawi, was buried in a secure undisclosed location, contrary to the wishes of Osama bin Laden, who requested that al Zarqawi's body be laid to rest in Jordan. Sources close to the operation indicate that Dick Cheney welcomed the company.

Mexico Experiences Election Difficulties

Experts hoping for a smooth transition of power in Mexico had their hopes dashed this weekend. With a strongly polarized electorate, the results of the election were too close to be announced Monday morning, with strong claims of fraud and voting irregularities from both sides of the political spectrum. Critics cite this as typical of a third world, emerging democracy; however, election observers from Florida reported that it all looked fine to them.

July 4th Celebrations Marred By Free Speech

Celebrations of the birth of this great land were marred this week by the consistent blathering of irony and sarcasm on web sites across the globe. The Senate vowed to do something about it, right after key votes on naming George W. Bush a living deity, beatifying Ronald Reagan, officially reprimanding the moral standing of Bill Clinton, giving themselves pay raises, and eliminating inheritance taxes for the extremely wealthy, which occur after returning from the July 4th recess.

Local Software Developer Accidentally Gets Job

"I didn't mean to, it was an accident", claims recently unemployed software developer Sammy Mawlberg of his recent transition from man-of-leisure to Systems Architect. Sources close to Mr. Mawlberg expressed doubts about the accidental nature of the new job. Suburban mother of two, Sherry Ayming said of the alleged accident, "the problem is that he allowed them to smell the leisure and contentment and we all know it is in the nature of Corporate AmericaTM to abhor contentment".

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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler