Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 10 July 2006

Cats Un-American

Sources close to the President are reportedly requesting that resources from the Department of Homeland Security be used to eliminate the feline threat from America's streets. White House Press Secretary, Tony Snow, denied that the potential shift in policy has anything to do with the fact that Mr. Bush is a well-known dog person. "Look people", said Mr. Snow in a recent press conference, "the president is not capricious; he doesn't even know what that word means. He will make this decision in his role as decider, and it will be based on hard evidence of a feline national security threat". National security analysts point out that we have long been living with these Miaoist insurgents within our midst, so it was merely a matter of time before they attempted to claw their way into power. "These feline operatives are highly sophisticated", claims Dr. A. Lassie of the Heritage Foundation. "They want us to think they are just following the mouse around the screen", continued Mr. Lassie, "but they are reading those documents and capturing valuable national security secrets".

A coalition made up primarily of middle-aged single women immediately challenged these findings. "Muffin is just not a threat to anyone", asserts coalition spokeswoman Gayle Loner, speaking of her 5-year-old long hair tabby, though neighbors whose dogs have required stitches on their nose following encounters with Muffin seemed to disagree. "That cat is Satan spawn", said Frank Shepherd, next-door neighbor to Ms. Loner and Muffin. Muffin declined to comment or even dignify this story with her presence.

As yet, Press Secretary Snow has emphasized that no formal decisions have been made. Despite the potential threat to Miaoism within the United States, cats approached for their reaction to the news seemed unconcerned.


Outdoor Outfitters Liquidate Glacier Tools

Following the premier of Al Gore's movie, An Inconvenient Truth, companies specializing in high-adventure outdoor gear have begun changing their inventories. "We saw the writing on the wall and are shifting to a more future-friendly inventory", said Topper Hill, president of the Outdoor Marketing Association (OMA), concluding, "We just don't see a market for glacier-related products in the near future". Mr. Hill further clarified that future-friendly products include those related to water sports like whitewater rafting, surfing, snorkeling, and diving. Also popular with most outfitters is a new generation of sunscreen rated for protection at SPF 175.

SCOTUS: Public Lacks Standing

Legal scholars have been pouring over the decisions from the recently closed Supreme Court session and have reportedly uncovered a less well-known decision. In, General Malaise v. Gonzales, a case that received little publicity, the US Supreme Court issued a complex ruling with a mere five-vote majority, which was broken into several different concurring opinions. However, according to close readings by legal scholars, the lead opinion, penned by conservative Justice Clarence Thomas, concluded that the American public lacks legal standing in court cases. The majority opinion relied two key points: 1) the fact that the public is not represented by any official organization and 2) so few citizens vote. The team of scholars who uncovered the language buried deep within Justice Thomas' opinion is divided about the implications for Constitutional law, but Harvard law professor Dr. Cameron Alphonse Wellington, VI expressed the majority opinion, when he said, "The practical result for the American public is miniscule since none of the unwashed masses have any idea what freedoms they might actually be losing".

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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler