Newsweakly, 17 July 2006

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"Get your news weakly"^SM	17 July 2006

White House To Activate Diplomacy Sources within the White House report that the President and his cabinet held an emergency meeting this week, reacting to repeated urgings by European and Middle Eastern allies to "activate diplomacy", with regard to escalating situation surrounding Israel, Lebanon, Hezbollah, and Hamas. Unnamed officials indicate that the White House does indeed intend to play the diplomacy card, but significant roadblocks remain. The officials indicate that the president immediately formed a committee to locate the diplomacy card, so that it could be activated. Though unconfirmed, reports indicate that a thorough search of the Oval Office finally located the diplomacy card in the bottom drawer of Mr. Bush's desk. With the card located, several high-ranking officials are said to have dialed the diplomacy company, whose number was on the front of the card for activation. After several false starts with the automated system, the officials were able to reach a customer service representative in Bangalore, but the company declined the activation, saying it could only be done from the home phone of the primary card holder. "Well, this stinks", the President is reported to have said. Sources place Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice at the center of the controversy, attempting to determine whether anyone knew who the primary diplomacy card holder was. Calls to Colin Powell remained unanswered. The unnamed sources for this story question the president's attempt to activate diplomacy, citing the lack of information regarding the credit limit on the card and the likelihood that the issuing company would extend the administration further credit, based on past performance. Executives from the diplomacy card company, located in an industrial park in Delaware, declined comment for this story. In a press release after the alleged attempt to activate diplomacy, the president is quoted as saying: "We are trying to activate diplomacy. Diplomacy is hard. It's complicated".		Shuttle Trip A Success NASA is delighted with the success of the recent flight of the Shuttle Discovery. Analysts and experts were concerned about NASA's ability to continue the program under intense scrutiny and continued safety concerns. Mechanics have been hard at work on the shuttle fleet, attempting to improve performance and quality across the entire line. At this time, the Shuttle Atlantis is on blocks in the back yard of the Kennedy Space Center, where discussions have focused around the Shuttle's finish. "I think some flames down the side would be great", said crew chief Dr. Jorge Luna. "I think the real problem is keepin' the dogs off the wings", said Dr. Francois Rabelais, deputy crew chief, speaking of the six hunting dogs who run loose in the yard. Reports indicate that the mechanical crew is divided over the issue of whether to add more fins to the Shuttle or to put those chrome free-spinning wheels on it. "I just think the whole thing would look way cooler with more fins", said Dr. Luna. However, NASA remains united on the goal to install fuzzy dice on the rear-view mirror, despite concerns that the might come off during launch, possibly putting out the pilot's cigarette. US Watches Israel For Pointers According to reports from highly placed sources within the Pentagon and the Department of Homeland Security, the US has been closely watching Israeli foreign policy in Lebanon. The Pentagon has noted the wild success Israel has had on the world stage with its effort to defend itself from Hezbollah rocket attacks by attacking the main civilian airport in Lebanon, Lebanese military bases in the end of the country farthest from Israel, and civilian targets (including evacuation routes) across the country. One official within the Pentagon said, "They have really internalized the US Doctrine of Preemption; I get misty just thinking about it". Publicists from DoD and DHS have reportedly begun reframing the immigration debate as a "War on Immigration", with highly-placed sources indicating a US move to "defend itself" with attacks on Latin America, starting with Mexico City.

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