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"Get your news weakly"SM 24 July 2006

Newsweakly Special Issue:
Defense Of Marriage

How can you defend your marriage in these uncertain times? Some recommendations.

Weapon: Obedience

The Bible itself provides the best tool for defending marriage, particularly when it says: "It is better to live in a corner of the roof than in a house shared with a contentious woman" (Proverbs, 25:24). To properly defend marriage, women simply need to be seen and not heard. For problems with obedience, refer to one of the other articles in this issue.

Weapon: Improvised Devices

The Improvised Marital Device (IMD) is considered a somewhat subversive weapon, but manages to maintain contentment within the home. Most husbands fear the device, but wives tend to become quite fond of them over time. The tension between wives and husbands regarding the IMD has resulted in significant struggle and negotiation over the use of the IMD, with husbands most often favoring a ban on the devices, but use continues to rise with vibrancy. While the IMD has become increasingly well-known in the Defense of Marriage, experts assert that other tools exist and may be used by properly trained individuals. High on the list is the Improvised Emotional Device (IED), which has been labeled by most husbands as a terror device. The IED is most often associated with wives, though the so-called "new age sensitive" man has recently shown himself capable of wielding this device to devastating effect. Even more covert is the Improvised Unmitigated Drama (IUD), which some claim is merely a form of IED. The IUD is usually used by one spouse on the other completely out of sight of the general population. Statistics on its use are difficult to approximate.


Weapon: Close Quarters

The best method for defending one's marriage in the home is still a roll of quarters gripped tightly in a fist. This method brings appropriate feelings of shock and awe to the marriage, letting your wife know who is boss. Remember that, outside of places like the United Arab Emirates, spousal abuse is still illegal (expect a proposed amendment sponsored by Focus on the Family to correct this oversight), so try not to leave marks. Note, this method is not recommended for use by wives, but only husbands.

Threat: ICBMs

ICBMs are often overlooked by the average marriage defender, but we cannot stress too strongly the need to defend against the rising Gay Menace that must be contained and fought in every place, and those places include the scrouge of bisexuality. If one Bisexual should be allowed to marry, it will start a domino effect, leading to Homosexual capture of the whole planet. As such, we note that the best defense is a strong offense. In addition, we must stress vigilance; we must not slip even one iota on our resolve to protect marriage from becoming a mere convenience for those of vague orientation. Therefore, for proper Defense of Marriage, we recommend shooting down every ICBM (InterContinental Bisexual Marriage) that you might find in your immediate vicinity, even if you happen to be vacationing in a godless country like Spain, which has been tricked by Satan into endorsing Gay Marriage.

Threat: Childlessness

Some couples blithely assert their right to have a happy marriage without children. These people, including those vainly delaying the gift of children or cursed with infertility, are a threat to the very institution of marriage, which has nothing whatsoever to do with two people living together for mutual love and support.

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