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Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM |
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| "Get your news weakly"SM | 31 July 2006 |
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Starbucks To Diversify OfferingsTaking advantage of the rise in health care costs, Seattle-based Starbucks Coffee will be offering supplements in their drinks. It will now be possible to have a Green Tea Frappuccino with a pump of gingko biloba or ginseng. Starbucks is being praised by industry insiders for its vision. "Not only has Starbucks tapped into the natural / organic market, they have formed strategic partnerships with powerhouses of the pharmaceutical industry", says Dr. Harry Fehlguud, industry watcher from the Yankee Group. Dr. Fehlguud indicates that Starbucks may be about to unleash a trend with the combination of lifestyle marketing and healthcare marketing, creating the first "healthstyle marketing" company.Starbucks has already begun testing some of the new products at about a dozen stores in key cities across the country. "I love my Caramel Prozacciato", enthused a placid customer in Sugarland, Texas, highlighting the early success of the Starbucks-Eli Lilly joint venture. "We realize that some of our customers want to live life to its fullest, so we offer a wide range of drinks to suit every need. In fact, one of our most popular drinks in our Manhattan test market has been the Venti, 5-shot Ambien Americano", says Starbucks product manager Jane d'Sorder. Ms. d'Sorder denied that the mixture of Ambien and caffeine could have harmful side effects. "There have been absolutely no tests regarding this mixture; we are very confident of its ability to meet a need", said Ms. d'Sorder. Ambien manufacturer Sanofi Aventis also expressed a positive outlook noting in an official press release that the combination of Ambien and Starbucks would create a "win-win situation, allowing a more healthy and productive way for somnambulists to satisfy any Ambien-driven binges that have not been independently verified to exist". Starbucks is reportedly keeping up a stiff competition between Pfizer and ICOS Lilly for which of their name-brand products will be carried as sprinkles for use on top of the whipped cream foam. |
Cuban Change Golden OpportunityForeign policy analysts are united in their interpretation of events unfolding in Cuba. All agree that the shift in power on the island nation represents another "golden opportunity for US foreign policy", quoting Norman Orenstein of the American Enterprise Institute. "It is rare that one administration has had so many opportunities to do so little with so much", said an unnamed policy analyst.
Part-Time Employee Takes VacationLocal software developer Steven Mawlenovsky had been employed in a part-time fashion for an interminably long four weeks when the stress became too great to handle. Reacting in the only way he knew how, Mr. Mawlenovsky took a week-long vacation from his 20 hour-a-week job. "The rat race was just getting to me; the stress was unbelievable", said Mr. Mawlenovsky by phone from an undisclosed location."Mr. Mawlenovsky represents the increasingly over-worked American", says occupational therapist and HR consultant Linda Trane. Ms. Trane cited statistics showing that 100% of employees would rather be doing something besides working. "It is time for government to act on behalf of the most productive work-force in the world", said Jave Corona, president of the little-known, but growing, Beach Labor Organization Worldwide (BLOW). "We want Corona to lead us to a revolution of much-deserved rest and relaxation", said one loyal organization member from a chaise lounge on Key West at a "BLOW work" event, while requesting anonymity, since her employers think she is at a funeral. As for Mr. Mawlenovsky, he reports that he will return to work, without taking even one day of vacation, leaving him to work another unbroken 20 hours without respite in the week following his return. |
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all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler
