Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 7 August 2006

Aetna, Merck, And Kaiser To Merge

Board members from Aetna, Merck and Kaiser held a press conference late last week to announce that they would be merging to form a new "totalizing health system", tentatively called Trinity. While the merger will still require Justice Department approval, healthcare investors in high positions within the Department signaled their enthusiasm with both a run on stocks in the three companies and an announcement highlighting the "breakthrough nature of the venture, giving the industry unparalleled control over the health of their customers", adding that "stockholders are sure to benefit from this new relationship".

"In the past, the insurance, pharmaceutical, and health maintenance industries often worked against each other", said CFO of the consortium, Tray Angle, "causing unnecessary expenditure and waste". Investors are just as excited about the prospect of the alliance, with stocks rising in late-week trading as much as 5% on the news. "The most compelling part of the venture is the way the integrated corporation will be able to simultaneously reduce administrative costs, increase cooperation, and reduce the number of successful benefit requests", said industry analyst Walter Kurtz, "It's a real win for investors". Many industry analysts have noted that, in the current system, one patient would seek care, medication, and monetary backing from different companies, resulting in a greater expenditure per customer by each company. With the recently announced merger, the combined company will be able to decide exactly how much care any specific customer should receive, based on the return available to the shareholders.

"One basic problem is that the customers have started learning how to work the current system, cutting through layers of administration, resulting in higher costs, which is what really made this revolution necessary in totalizing health care", said Mr. Angle.

Detractors mention that they are skeptical that these industries have patients' rights and best interests at heart. When asked about this view, Mr. Angle responded, "Customers are foremost in our mind, so our focus is wholly Trinity".


Internet A Fad

Experts interviewed in nursing homes across the nation are unified in their opinion: the Internet is just a fad. "I'm not sure what people see in it", said Saul Weinberg, originally from Brooklyn, New York, currently residing in Naples, Florida. "Kids today", added Thelma Milsevic, originally from Boston, Massachusetts, currently residing in Mesa, Arizona.

Music Marketing Plan Goes Awry

Members of Boston-based punk rock band On Pain of Death found themselves in a bind on Friday night. Just two weeks into their inaugural East Coast tour, the band found themselves booked to play a nursing home cafeteria, with no guarantee.

"Holy crap, man, this sucks", said Anger Management, the band's singer, guitarist, and primary composer. "Dude, if we don't get paid, I don't think we can get this van to the next gig", added Hard Wood, the band's drummer and head of transportation. "Does this mean I shouldn't make posters at Kinko's", interjected Hertz, bass player and on-site marketing director for the band.

The first signs of trouble were detected by Mr. Management when they stopped at a local library to get directions using Google Maps. The resulting directions placed the venue far from the hot spots along the main street of Chapel Hill. "I guess the name of the place should have tipped me off earlier", said Hertz.

"The promoter assured us this was a wonderful lecture series that had been well-received by mature audiences across the Northeast", said Marjorie Dupe, manager of Shady Acres, where On Pain of Death was slated to play. However, some residents were pleased by the band's visit. "I never expected a visit from my grandson", said Edna Krupke, formerly of Boston, speaking of Eustace Krupke, also known as Anger Management. "He is such a nice boy, what with his social work, but I don't know why he needs so many tattoos and earrings in such strange places."

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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler