Newsweakly, 14 August 2006

	Irregular Reporting of Societal Issues^SM

"Get your news weakly"^SM	14 August 2006

TSA Takes Efforts To Reduce Danger From Liquids According to the TSA (Transitory Safety Administration) press release "passengers may not bring liquids or gels of any size at the security checkpoint or in the aircraft cabin - including beverages, shampoo, suntan lotion, toothpaste, hair gel, and other items of similar consistency", which the airline industry has taken to include the water included in passengers' bodies. In order to comply with the latest TSA directive, all airline passengers will be freeze-dried. Large freeze-drying machines will be provided by Siemens, a German firm with significant experience in human-sized appliances, dating back to the 1940s. The machines will be placed in the existing security checkpoints, along with the metal detectors. The first freeze-dryer deliveries are expected in the next few weeks. Airline industry leaders praised the decision, with airline stocks climbing on the news. Industry analysts expect much higher profits under the new security measures, through the ability to board a plane more quickly, fit more people on a single plane, and reduce in-flight needs. "The only downside I can see is the need for more baggage handlers to fill the passenger compartment", said analyst Klaus Hier. When asked about the impact of the new measures on passenger safety and comfort, Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff explained, "We are taking these measures specifically to ensure the safety of the American people, and if we let creature comforts drive our security plans, then the terrorists will have won". Mr. Chertoff then wrapped himself in the flag, flapped his arms, and took off. Cost Of Crude Rises Late last week, the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) increased the fines for indecency that can be levied against broadcast television and radio, effectively raising the cost of crude to new highs. The international markets responded to this latest hike in the price of crude by a corresponding increase in the price of passing gas.		New Skills Developed In Face Of Deadlines Local software project manager Sammy Mawlberg says that he has been able to use the pressure of deadlines to acquire a portfolio of valuable new skills. Occupational therapists agree that deadlines are key for many people to learn new ways of coping. Mr. Mawlberg learned several new techniques in the face of intense pressure in the recent past. "The crucible of conflicting obligations was critical in my personal growth", says Mr. Mawlberg, "I thrive under pressure". Mr. Mawlberg's crunch time came during the spring of 2004, when he was in charge of a $19 million software release for a healthcare company, was coaching his daughter's soccer team, training for a marathon, refinishing the floors in his house, replacing the roof on his house, and taking two classes toward his MBA. While such a load might cause some to crumble, Mr. Mawlberg surged ahead, learning whole new talents, allowing him to effectively deal with stress, and now he gladly shares these talents with those around him. "While I could juggle before, it was really rudimentary. During the 2004 crunch time, I was able to add knives and flaming torches and I am up to six objects in the air at a time", says Mr. Mawlberg. In addition to advanced juggling, Mr. Mawlberg perfected his wine glass concerto and mastered the unicycle. When asked if he has experienced any high-stress times since 2004, Mr. Mawlberg responded, "Just last week I performed on the trapeze without a net". Status Report Not A Typo Referring to a predictive status report issued mid-week for events yet to occur, reliable sources reported an amusing, yet telling typo. A milestone in a key project was listed as "Develop elaborate use cases", which these sources took to be a mistake that would properly have read "Develop / elaborate use cases", where "elaborate" would be a verb, rather than an adjective. However, official statements by the development team have revealed that the adjectival construction is, in fact, more appropriate.

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