Newsweakly

Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM
"Get your news weakly"SM 25 September 2006

Thousands Killed In Housing Collapse

The recent slump in the housing market left thousands unprepared for disaster. Now it appears the worst has struck many regional markets: the housing market has collapsed killing thousands and trapping thousands more beneath the rubble of interest-only loans, lines of credit, and PMI payments. First responders rushed to the scene, hoping to quickly extract victims from the more salvageable properties, which could be re-sold for a tidy profit. At this time, it is unclear just how many more victims lie beneath the paperwork.

Escaped Fugitive Cornered

Allan Miller, a long-time IT professional has been on the run, pursued by mysterious agents thought to be contract hires working for several of the shadowy telecom families. Sources close to Mr. Miller indicate that he has been running away for so long he cannot exactly recall why. Some suspect his flight has something to do with his involvement in contract work with several of the families and even some time spent directly in the family headquarters.

Mr. Miller sought out the protection and anonymity of a medium-sized computer company, Rebel Alliance Networking (RAN, Inc), thought to be no threat to any telecom dynasty. Mr. Miller's hopes were dashed this week, when one of the leading families moved to purchase his hiding place and current employer.

The dynasty, known publicly as Galactic Imperial Star Corp (GIS Corp), released a statement saying, "We know where Mr. Miller is located. We have always known. It is merely a matter of time". Laird Palpatine, Chairman of the Board, emphasized that the control GIS Corp has over the country is for the good of all citizens of the republic.

When interviewed by reporters, Lars Vater, CEO of GIS Corp, stated that GIS Corp, "will turn Mr. Miller to the ways of GIS, where we feel he can become a valued key contributor, expanding core competencies, bridging mission-critical infrastructures, and cementing global domination". One reporter inquired what would happen if Mr. Miller chose not to become a telecom consultant. Vater replied simply, "We don't care. We're the phone company, we don't have to".

As of this publication, Mr. Miller is still at large.

 

Book Reviews That Matter
Starbucks Revealed: Cognitive Dissonance and Cultural Symbols: The Language of Market Capitalism: America Reflected in its Products: Latte Capitalism & its Abuses: Labor Capital: Revenge of the Barista: 1971-2006

By Dr. Friedrich Ahab, DOH Center Press, $33.95, 579 pages, end notes.

Dr. Ahab has produced a long-awaited scholarly insight to the Starbucks phenomenon, bringing together the fields of linguistics, semiotics, rhetoric, and economics, informed by a sophisticated neo-Marxist perspective, drawing on an extensive background in gender discourses. "What we have in Starbucks is nothing less than an attempt to shift the cultural paradigm in some areas, while strategically lending structural support to the existing cultural hegemonic patrimony", writes Dr. Ahab in his accessible and extremely readable introduction to the book. However, it is in the critical analysis of the linguistic content of Starbucksian discourse that Dr. Ahab's brilliance shines through. In the sixth chapter, Ahab analyzes the monetary imagery behind the name itself, noting that "more than 50% of the 'Starbucks Coffee' name directly involves money, as in 'bucks' and 'fee'", going on to note that such high correlation is not likely to be merely coincidental. Chapter eight allows Ahab the opportunity to address the cultural insignificance of women and their value in the work place through the paternalistic conventions of labor relations at the company. In particular, Ahab notes that the average workers are entitled "baristas", which hints at feminine gender, clearly denigrating both the laborers on the floor, but all women, through the implication that service industries are inherently women's work. The book continues to shine a bright analytical light in the tenth chapter, where Ahab notes the use of a human-animal hybrid in the corporate logo. "[The logo] represents the unification of bourgeois market capitalism with the state-sponsored military-medical establishment", writes Dr. Ahab. Nuggets like these adorn almost every page of this insightful academic work, making it a must read for any interdisciplinary scholar.


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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler