Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 6 November 2006

Schools Ban Competition

Amid growing concern about the emotional health of our nation's children, one Kansas school district has followed the lead set in banning tag by moving to ban all competitive activities in schools, starting with academically competitive subjects. "We find that children are the most scarred in their souls by the imposition of secular competition", said Reverend Graham Cracker, chairman of school board. "This is really just a logical extension of No Child Left Behind", says Reverend Cracker, adding, "We cannot guarantee that all students reach the same level, and since competition creates emotionally scarred community members, it was a logical step to simply eliminate the need to judge children unfairly against each other". Colorado Springs-based Focus on the Family hailed the decision, as it allows schools to emphasize the moral and religious development of children.

New Kerry Allegations

The Amalgamated Press is reporting that Senator John Kerry (D-MA) took bribes from the Republican National Committee (RNC) to divert attention away from real issues. Senator Kerry told the AP, "These allegations are completely without merit", via satellite phone from his new 130-foot yacht, anchored off Nantucket, adding, "The American people are not nearly sophisticated enough to appreciate that level of subtlety, given the effects of No Child Left Behind, as I'm sure you know, since that's what I've been saying all along. My position is clear on that, I think". The RNC denied any involvement in the scandal, but added, "We think the Senator is doing a fine job".

Catchy Headline Leads Nowhere


Microsoft Opens Taxi Service

In an attempt to synchronize their service offerings with their slogans, Microsoft has unveiled "MS Taxi", a taxi service in the greater Seattle metropolitan area. "We have been asking the question, 'where do you want to go today?', but lacked the ability to really deliver on that", said Steve Balmer, "We feel MS Taxi finally gives us the potential we have lacked". Some industry analysts hailed the move, but not everyone is so sure. Early users complained that MS Taxi frequently comes to a halt and has to be repeatedly told where to go. Others have noted that the service is extremely slow and much more expensive than other area taxi services. To counter what they feel is a monopolistic move, some anti-Microsoft groups have formed OpenTaxi, an open-source taxi service. "We feel that rides should be free and that is the basis of Western society. Charging for rides is just wrong", states OpenTaxi founder Linus Stallman, who adds, "Anyone can contribute to the improvement of OpenTaxi; the more users we have the more routes we cover". According to the OpenTaxi press release, users will adopt a standard hand signal to hail OpenTaxi, with most users advocating use of the thumb.

In related news, Google announced the beta release of an invitation-only service entitled "Gaxi". Once subscribed, the Gaxi arrives where you are without needing to be called, then predicts your destination. Most controversial among privacy advocates is the Gaxi Alternative Destination Suggestion, which provides riders additional drop-off options, based on conversations held among passengers in the Gaxi vehicle. Though some patrons are concerned about Google listening to their conversations, late last Friday night, one patron said, "I'm na' some unedumacated boob, so I don' care 'f they lishen t'my c'nversashums. Heck, I'm just tryin' t'get home… Hey, a strip club! Woo hoo! I love you Gaxi!"

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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler