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"Get your news weakly"SM 13 November 2006

George Allen's Holiday Plans

Following the somewhat surprising results of the mid-term elections for Senator George Allen (R-VA), his holiday plans have undergone a change. Normally, the holidays are a time for senators to recharge for the upcoming legislative session. This year will be a bit more low-key, according to spokespersons for Senator Allen. "Mr. Allen plans a quiet Hanukah at home with his family, like any mensch", said Friends of George Allen spokesperson Lakshmi Macaca. "At this point, Senator Allen's plans for his political future remain unclear and the celebration of the festival of lights always helps clarify his thoughts, along with a few spins of the dradle with his children", concluded Macaca.

Republicans Successful

The apparent sweeping success of the Democratic Party in last week's mid-term election is music to the ears of Republican strategists. "See, our plan is working", said key opinion-maker and self-proclaimed evil-genius Karl Rove, adding, "We got 'em just where we want 'em". Democratic pollsters assert that Rove is out of touch with the sentiments of the average American. "Rove is on crack", said Democratic House Whip Steny Hoyer (D-MD). Other political pundits point to the credentials of Democrats who swept into power as proof of the sea change in American politics. In particular, they cite a few of the people forming the back bone of the new liberal majority, like Jim Webb from Virginia, whose victory gave the party control of the Senate. With a long history of public service for the Reagan White House, experts agree that Webb and others like him signal a dramatic swing to the left.

Armani Stock Rises

With the likely ascendancy of Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) to the position of House Speaker, much attention has focused on the long-serving representative, her family values, and her ability to work with integrity for her constituents. More importantly, however, the Washington Post opened the flood gates to partisan speculation, when they reported on the " blue-gray pantsuit" she wore at a recent press conference, where views on politics were likely discussed. As the post notes, the primary issue at dividing the country regarding Ms. Pelosi is that she "is someone who wears a neutral-colored, softly tailored power suit". Will Ms. Pelosi's fashion sense be one that divides, like Ms. Rodham Clinton, or one that unites like Lady Diana? The future of American democracy hangs in the balance.

Game Wardens Puzzled

On Friday, following the official announcement of a Democratic Majority in both houses of Congress, Game Wardens from the Department of Fish & Wildlife began reporting unusual occurrences. "We have many reports of bunnies dancing with bears and wolves sleeping with sheep. It's just weird", said 30-year veteran warden Dell Usion. The Republican National Committee has issued a press release urging calm, stating that "unnatural unions among God's creatures is an expected result of a Democratic Congress, but we are certain that the normalcy can be restored".


President Takes Responsibility

Following President Bush's acknowledging responsibility for the Republican losses in last week's mid-term elections, Mr. Bush has appeared to have reached a turning point in his emotional development. White House spokesperson Tony Snow announced that the President would be taking responsibility for tensions in his relationship with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and for the chilliness of his relationship with North Korean leader Kim Jong Il, saying, "The President feels he has been guilty of loving these men too much and not giving them enough space". In an impromptu meeting with reporters, the President announced, "I worry that Putin and I aren't as chummy as we once were and I feel that I may have been too distant and closed off, pushing Putin away. Vladimir, I'm sorry." Presidential diplomacy experts, including Doctor Phil, expect forthcoming announcements regarding Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad and Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas.

Pelosi's Legislative Agenda

With concerns over wardrobe barely voiced in the nation's leading newspapers, presumptive House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) has already begun flexing her political muscle and making her liberal agenda clear to the right wing. Newsweakly has learned that following her San Francisco-based traditional Friday night human sacrifice, she will announce the Democratic platform of mandatory gay marriage for all. The ceremonies are to be closed with the usual ceremonial flag burning. In an interview with Bill O'Reilly, Karl Rove said of Ms. Pelosi, "I'm not trying be alarmist, but we have to wonder what that woman is up to". To which O'Reilly responded, "It's true, any woman who won't wear a skirt is suspect in my book". It remains to be seen whether the human sacrifices have the desired effect of uniting the underworld for an assault on traditional family values, but it is increasingly clear to fair and balanced pundits that Ms. Pelosi is going to try and find out.

Rumsfeld Considers Future Plans

Following the President's decision to use Donald Rumsfeld as a peace offering to both the public and the new Democratic Congressional majority, the former Secretary of Defense has been considering his next steps. "Indeed, since I met my personal lifetime goal of proving that a Princeton graduate can manipulate an average Yale graduate, I admit that I have faced a bit of a crisis, to be honest with you", said Mr. Rumsfeld in a press conference over the weekend. "I have known skills. I have personally known, but widely unknown skills. I also have personally unknown, and widely unknown skills. These three sets of skills form a skill set that is widely unknown, misunderstood, and complex. It is this set of skills on which I hope to rely as I move into the known unknown of the post-Secretarial world", concluded Mr. Rumsfeld. Insiders indicate that President Bush is considering Mr. Rumsfeld for National Poet Laureate, replacing Donald Hall, who Mr. Bush has always felt "lacked relevance".

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© 2006 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler