Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 1 January 2007

Government Computer Security Never Stronger

Following incidents of lost data at various governmental agencies, there has been increased scrutiny of government computer and data security policies, resulting in a War on Security. With the War on Security being waged on many fronts, a key weapon in the War on Security is MS PowerPoint. Using PowerPoint, presentations on various security-related subjects are drafted and delivered to government employees and contractors around the world. "The effect of massive PowerPoint attacks is mind-numbing shock and awe", said Department of Homeland Security (DHS) Secretary Michael Chertoff. Independent security analysts report that the PowerPoint carpet bombing campaign appears to be working. "I know it's working because I feel better, every time I see a PowerPoint presentation on security; each and every one of those 5-7 bullets on all 97 slides is like a stick in bin Laden's eye", said Michael Ostrich, Senior Consultant with the Defense Policy Institute.

Saddam's Execution Brings Peace

As expected, the execution of former Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein on charges of crimes against humanity has resulted in a deep-seated peace across the region. Sunni loyalists admitted publicly that their treatment of Shias had been misguided and that Saddam's hanging brought a long-needed sense of "closure". Shia and Kurdish leaders expressed gratitude to the Sunnis for their years of service to the country under Saddam's rule. President Bush issued a statement saying, "I told you so".

Government Closed To Honor Ford

Out of respect for the late former president Gerald Ford, the current president Bush signed an Executive Order closing "all executive departments, independent establishments, and other governmental agencies" on Tuesday, 2 January 2007. In lieu of normal operations on Tuesday, the government spent the entire weekend, including New Year's Day, writing memos and press releases to explain the closure of the government. Government analysts expect the explanations and memo-writing to extend far into March and possibly April. President Bush has requested an emergency appropriation from the new Congress to cover the costs of the closure.


Effects Of Global Warming Still Slight

Global warming has been much in the news lately, particularly following Al Gore's blockbuster feel-good movie of the century, An Inconvenient Truth. But most of us have little access to directly experience the extreme polar environments, where the effects of such change would be the most notable. As a result, Newsweakly recently dispatched reporters to the Antarctic, home of the growing ozone hole, to determine exactly what kinds of effects are evident. Our reporters returned and here is what they found.

Basically, there is still much more to be done. Worldwide concern is definitely well-placed; our reporters found distinct signs of change, though these might pass undetected by the untrained observer.

The problem boils down to this: despite efforts of the global community and the United States, in particular, the Polar regions are still considerably colder than they might be. There are vast acres of Antarctic continent that can be explored and developed, if only global warming could be hastened a bit. All we need is a bit more coal--coal that could be found right there in Antarctica--to help warm the planet a few degrees, making the poles truly useful for oil and gas exploration. In addition, Antarctica is blessed with millions of miles of majestic coastline that are far less developed than they should be. How much better would a trip to the Antarctic be, if you knew you could secure a stay at a Marriott or perhaps your very own timeshare?

In the Arctic, the inconvenience of winter travel would be eliminated with the eradication of pesky sea ice. With year-round warmth, large, ocean-going tankers would finally have access to the untapped riches of Arctic oil, without the need for expensive and potentially hazardous pipelines.

If we pull together, as a global community, we can make an impact. There's still time.

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© 2006, 2007 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler