Newsweakly

Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM
"Get your news weakly"SM 5 March 2007

Cameron's Team Reveals Additional Details Of Jesus' Life

Director James Cameron recently made headlines with an announcement that new scientific evidence indicates a collection of ossuaries unearthed in 1980 belong to Jesus, Mary Magdalene, and their son Judah. Cameron made further announcements over the weekend, with the most shocking being Cameron's claim that the research team had more accurately identified the true occupation of Jesus. Based on manuscripts discovered near the ossuaries, Cameron's research team has concluded that Jesus was a traveling insurance salesman. In addition, It would appear that Jesus was the wise rabbi people claim he was because he had quite a decent policy on himself. However, legal authorities and rabbinical scholars are divided over whether the beneficiaries were ever able to collect. The Vatican has filed a legal brief with the International Court at The Hague claiming custody. A counter suit was filed by the Orthodox Church.

Despite all the incontrovertible evidence in the media, some archaeological experts not directly profiting from the announcement criticized the science used to identify the remains. Amos Kloner, the first archaeologist to examine the site, said, "the idea fails to hold up by archaeological standards but makes for profitable television". Cameron, who created a documentary for the Discovery Channel, claims that the remains have been examined using DNA evidence. The match between the DNA in the sample was provided based on a DNA sample collected when Jesus' father was incarcerated recently for spousal abuse. God was released when his wife, Gaia, refused to press charges.

In related news, Dr. Brigitte Boisselier, CEO of Clonaid announced that they would clone Jesus on a Discovery Channel documentary to be directed by James Cameron.

 

Coulter Attacks Edwards
Diverts Attention

Over the weekend, noted conservative columnist and agitator Ann Coulter raised the hackles of leaders on both ends of the political spectrum. At the American Conservative Union's Political Action Conference, she called former Senator John Edwards and Democratic presidential hopeful a "faggot". Her web site later clarified that Edwards' campaign chairman's main job was "fronting for Arab terrorists".(all true) Republican presidential candidates including Senator John McCain, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, and former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani quickly distanced themselves from the comments. Members of the American Conservative Union also attempted to distance themselves from Coulter, issuing a statement reading, in part, "We feel that Ms. Coulter's comments strike too close to our actual feelings about both gays and Democrats and consider such openness problematic to the goal of national domination".

However, investigative reporters with Newsweakly have discovered that Coulter's attack is actually a diversionary tactic. According to highly placed sources, Ann Coulter is actually a transgendered male. The outrageous attacks on incredibly benign and frankly boring politicos like Edwards are part of Coulter's larger scheme of drawing attention away from the fact of his/her double life. Experts in transgender studies note Coulter's exceedingly large Adam's apple as evidence. Psychiatrists further confirm that Coulter must be living in extreme shame and self-loathing considering that s/he has affiliated him/herself with ardent political conservatives who would find him/her repulsive if they confronted the truth. Ann/Andy Coulter could not be reached for comment.


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© 2006, 2007 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler