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Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM |
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| "Get your news weakly"SM | 23 July 2007 |
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Least Informed Person FoundIt has been reported by the AP Wire Service that the least informed person on Earth has been located. The Cairo bureau chief reports that an anthropologist working with a rare tribe of central African hunters said something cryptic to the tribal elder, using a word similar to "wand". When the elder made a pun about the final installment of the Harry Potter series, the anthropologist reportedly said, "What are you talking about?" After some further queries, the tribe determined that the anthropologist had not heard of the upcoming book release, asking the anthropologist, "Where have you been, man?"
Mental Health Workers See Sharp Rise in PTSDFollowing the recent surge, mental health workers have begun reporting a sharp rise in the incidences of PTSD. "Clearly, the impacts of the surge were not well understood by the forces that set it in motion", says Dr. Diggle, a respected psychologist who has been researching PTSD for the past 10 years, adding, "Anyone could see this coming". Diggle is not alone in his assessment. "Preparing late Friday night for the midnight surge toward the register, I could feel despair lurking just below the surface", says bookstore owner and PTSD sufferer Ana Patel. In fact, many worry that it is booksellers who will suffer most from Potter Termination Syndrome Depression (PTSD) in the post-Book 7 surge. "I am just not sure how I am going to cope, knowing that there will never be another book like this in my store", says Patel, echoing the sentiments of many.Researchers have begun to fan out across the country to attempt gauging the depth of PTSD suffering. Early reports indicate that sufferers initially experience euphoria, followed by intense concentration, ending with anger and denial, followed by acceptance. The most severely affected are adults with a penchant for cloaks. Research shows that, by and large, the nation's children, for whom the book was theoretically intended, simply gave a collective shrug and returned to Nintendo.
Harry Potter Too Dangerous For ChildrenExperts at the Center for the Protection of Children from Reality have issued an official press release roundly denouncing author J.K. Rowling for insisting that Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows will be the final installment in the Harry Potter series. "We feel that Ms. Rowling's insistence that the series must end establishes a bad precedent with young minds", reads the official statement. |
The group goes on to suggest that "Rowling consider the fine example of the Hardy Boys and Nancy Drew, who established a proud tradition of continuing an exhausted story line and hackneyed set of characters well beyond what was really enjoyable". The group argues that such a method is the only fair way to separate children from the books, allowing readers to "tire of the banal repetition rather than having the characters torn from their lives with the conclusion of the story". Ms. Rowling has not responded to the statement and could not be reached for this story.
Rowling To Be Sued For LibelIn a bold, yet not unexpected move, lawyers for Vice Presidential Industries, Inc (NYSE:VICE), an unholy owned subsidiary of Halliburton, have announced plans to sue J.K. Rowling, author of the popular Harry Potter series. According to sources close to the matter, the suit will allege libel for Rowling's reported characterization of VPI's management of the U.S. government and attempts at world domination. Spokespersons for Rowling insist that any association between the characters and themes of her book and reality is purely allegorical.
Administration ConcernedAdministration officials recently leaked information regarding what they consider to be a new and highly motivated terrorist organization with plans to bring down the established social order. These officials have reportedly been urging the FBI to work closely with the British Home Secretary's office to investigate the shadowy group bent on destroying the legitimate power of the ruling elite, however, reports indicate that both the Bureau and the Home Secretary's office have been less than cooperative.Unfortunately, at this time little is known about the organization, beyond their name: The Order of the Phoenix. President Bush has placed the country's borders on high alert, hoping to prevent movement by Order members. Additionally, highly placed staff members indicate that the president has personally been spending hours researching the group by watching at least five documentary films that have been made regarding persons assumed to be associated with the group and struggling through the dense and complicated foreign policy-related prose found in the seven detailed briefings he has received on the subject. |
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all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006, 2007 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler
