Newsweakly

Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM
"Get your news weakly"SM 12 November 2007

Chinese Plot Uncovered

Undercover agents with the Consumer Products Safety Commission have revealed a plot so extensive and so heinous as to seem unreal. Behind the continuing barrage of Chinese-manufactured toy recalls is a desire by the Chinese government to date rape our children. "Why else would toys include the chemicals that make up the date rape drug?", rhetorically asked a spokesperson for the Consumer Products Safety Commission during a recent press conference. When asked if the fact that the majority of diet sodas include chemicals that break down into formaldehyde is evidence of a plot to embalm the U.S. population, the spokesperson had no comment.

Democrats Place Hope On Stem Cell Research

As the 2008 presidential election draws closer, Democratic Party experts have begun to place significant hope on the issue of stem cell research. "We see stem cell research as a critical issue for the party", says Democratic National Committee Chairman Governor Howard Dean, adding, "In fact, it could hold the key to our party's future success". Specifically, Democratic Party experts hope that stem cell research will help find a cure for the epidemic of Spinaflaciditis that has become increasingly pronounced in Congressional Democrats in both the House and Senate.

"If we can appropriately harness the power of stem cells, we should be able to reverse Spinaflaciditis sufficiently to create a Democrat with enough backbone to uphold the Constitution", says medical researcher Dr. Clint Ohn, from his office at Columbia University. Most political analysts agree that medical research is about the only hope left for regeneration of Democratic backbone, which has suffered greatly over the last six years. "Really, the warning signs for Spinaflaciditis go right back to the 1980s, but the sad truth is that the early symptoms included an unwillingness to address the disease itself", reports Dr. Clint Ohn.

Newsweakly Special Investigation: Political Funding

Newsweakly investigative reporters have spent the last few months following the money and come up with a shocking result. Our staff research indicates that the Democratic National Committee has been funneling money to Republican Senator Larry Craig (ID). Democratic National Committee chairman Howard Dean refused to be interviewed for this story, but spokespersons issued statements to Newsweakly. "It is very important to the ideals of the Democratic Party that Americans continue to have alternative voices, however creepy, hypocritical, or embarrassing they might be to the Republican Party", reads the statement, concluding, "We support such voices, whenever they raise their head among our friends across the aisle".

 

Rhode Island Votes To Move Primary

Concerns that rising sea levels could result in a challenge Delaware to their title as the smallest state in the union, Rhode Island has embarked on a bold new plan to increase its influence on national politics. Accordingly, the state legislature has approved a new timetable for their presidential primary. The bill, which passed the legislature nearly unanimously, moves the primary to January 2008 for the 2012 presidential election. Political analysts call this a bold, but sensible move for Rhode Island. "We really have been expecting this for some time", says Harris Tweed, with the political consulting firm Baas Tweed Associates. "The American public is demanding more of its politicians and correspondingly less of its legislators and leaders, so this shift places the emphasis where the political marketplace feels it is most appropriate", adds Tweed.

DC Witnesses Giuliani Rally

Giuliani supporters in traditional Giuliani head dresses
Giuliani supporters parade on 17th Street, NW, sending Giuliani's core messages
Despite significant recent criticism of Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani's, first for appearing in public wearing a Boston Red Sox baseball cap and now for his continuing support of Bernard Kerik, ardent supporters from his traditional base have made a point to rally to his defense. In that spirit, a group of Giuliani supporters held an event in downtown Washington, DC to raise awareness to the issues that will resonate most fully with the core base of potential Giuliani voters. "We just wanted people to know the real Rudy, like we know him", said High Heel Race participant Frankie Paulson, adding, "Pat Robertson, you scamp, come and visit me again soon!" Ms. Paulson concluded with a wink and a blown kiss.

Editorial: Impact Of The Writers' Strike

With the writers' strike, Newsweakly asks the question: "Has television become irrelevant?" While television writers continued blindly doing their jobs over the late summer and early autumn, writers at reputable internet publications like Newsweakly boldly led the way, by refusing to write a word for several months. Bold moves like these show that, more than ever, reputable internet publications are the bell-weather of society, presaging events in the calcified realms of the old-guard traditional media. Predictably, Newsweakly writers also lead the way back to productivity, while television languishes in obscurity. Perhaps the television writers and management should take a lesson from the example of Newsweakly.


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Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006, 2007 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler