Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 19 November 2007

French Labor Strike Broadens

This week, the French labor strike broadened to civil service sectors. According to analysts, there remain only four French people still working in a small town in south eastern France, though these reports have not yet been confirmed by any eyewitness accounts of actual work.

In related news, the output of the French economy increased this week, as the work force productivity numbers rose.

Judge Takes Strong Action On Embezzlement Case

In a recent shocking case of civic embezzlement in the District of Columbia, where the alleged theft from the DC government tops $20 million, a judge has come down surprisingly hard on a primary defendant. U.S. District Judge Deborah K. Chasanow felt that defendant Jayrece Turnbull might be a flight risk. Judge Chasanow used the highly suspect gauge that Ms. Turnbull "might have some money set aside" to use for traveling outside the reach of law enforcement. "We find this to be a civil rights issue", said Ms. Turnbull's lawyers, adding, "There is no reason to believe that an accused embezzler would have wads of cash stuffed in a cookie jar on the counter".

Industry Leads Realignment Of Signed And Signifier

There are multiple instances of people, places, and things that are not accurately represented by their names. This is what academic experts consider a "mismatch between signed and signifier". However, several industry leaders have gathered together to rectify this disconnect. In plain English, these business leaders, operating under the banner of "End Linguistic Dissonance" (ELD), are putting forth bold new initiatives to make the names of people, places, and things more accurately reflect those things.

The beginning of the effort was not as rapid as one might expect of such a bold private industry initiative. ELD had funding an inherent understanding that English is the appropriate language for standardization. More importantly, "We all agreed that business could lead this effort, creating more efficient, profit-driven alignment between names for things and the things themselves, but we had trouble coming up with practical solutions to this problem", says ELD spokesperson Lexi Kahn. However, that problem has clearly been resolved and industries now compete to help in the rationalization effort.


Leading the pack is the international oil industry. "We all agreed that the funding resources of the oil industry and its global reach made it an ideal candidate to really jump start our efforts", says Ms. Kahn. The flagship effort assigned to the oil industry is aligning the Black Sea with it's name. "For years school children across the world were confused about the name of the body of water just north of Turkey. Until now, the Black Sea was hardly black", explains Ms. Kahn.

Clearly, there are great things in store for the globe, as signed and signifier achieve greater linguistic consonance. "Just one more service that the private sector can add to the world without the yoke of government intervention", adds Ms. Kahn.

Bush To Confer With Musharraf

White House Press Secretary Dana Perino announced that President Bush is planning to personally confer with Pakistan's President General Pervez Musharraf. "I never would have thought of just suspending the constitution", said President Bush in an interview late last week, adding, "ya gotta hand it to that Musharraf; always thinkin'". Musharraf told reporters, "I'm not really that original. To be honest, I learned most of my ideas from the Bush administration. I guess I just took them to their logical conclusion". In particular, Musharraf points to the Supreme Court's role in the Bush presidency as a parallel in his national policy.

Giuliani Issues New Line Of Campaign Buttons

The presidential campaign of former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani has announced the release of new series of campaign buttons. The new series has 911 different designs on a large button measuring 9.11 centimeters across. "These buttons are meant to display the character and spirit of Rudy Giuliani", says the official campaign press release. The campaign is proud of their most popular slogan of the new line is: "Bin Laden still out there, wants to hurt you!!". A spokesperson says, "Those nine simple words, with those two vertical, almost elevenesque, exclamation points really sends the message Giuliani wants people to understand - he is all about hope".

New Hampshire Changes Primary

Given the increasing competition for the lead primary spot, New Hampshire once again displays their individualism by voting to create the first-in-the-nation secondary. A New Hampshire legislative press release reads, in part, "We feel the time for a primary is past. This will be the century of the American secondary".

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© 2006, 2007 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler