Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 26 November 2007

German Security Forces Release More Details Of Islamic Jihad Union

The Islamic Jihad Union of Germany (local 569), which was implicated in a planned attack on U.S. installations in Germany over the past summer, has continued to be the subject of scrutiny by German and EU security agencies. Reports from these agencies are now reaching the press. Most notable in the reports is the way that the security agencies have been able to leverage the progressive labor laws of most EU countries to thwart terrorist activities. "We have been able to keep a few steps ahead of the IJU because of the progressive labor laws of our country", says Helmut Teuteiht, spokesperson for the German Security Services, noting that such laws strictly limit the working hours of laborers versus those in the United States.

Terrorism experts note that U.S. terrorists work significantly longer hours, oppressed by their cell leaders, while European IJU members keep to 35 hours of terrorist planning and bomb manufacturing per week with 5 weeks of vacation per year. Experts also report that European IJUs have much better health care and child care than U.S.-based terrorist organizations. "Once again, the U.S. falls behind Europe", says Democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich. Republican candidate Fred Thompson countered that the overly labor-friendly environment of Europe will simply lead to a weak terrorism sector, saying, "The market will take care of terrorism in this country, where we value innovation and hard work".

Name Origin Determined

Linguists studying the origins of place names have determined the genesis of the name "Annapolis". According to new evidence, the name is a native word, meaning "desperate attempt to revitalize legacy in waning days of self-righteousness".


Report Concludes Critical Skills Neglected

A joint report from the American Association for the Advancement of Science (AAAS) and the American Psychological Association (APA) concludes that the U.S. is falling dangerously far behind the rest of the world in the critical area of video game skills. According to the report, the youth of the U.S. have been neglecting these key skills at just the time in the global economy, when they are most needed.

The report cites the robust American couch industry for the initial lead established by U.S. youth, however, several factors conspired to sap the influence of the couch industry. "Harry Potter really blunted America's competitive edge by diverting the attention of young people away from prepackaged video violence and toward an unhealthy focus on imagination, creativity, and paganism", argues APA spokesperson Dr. Trina Tron. Accordingly, video gamologists throughout the country were significantly buoyed by the conclusion of the series, with the associated potential to bring youth back to the video display. However, experts cite several factors that have prevented a renaissance in video gamery. "The most important factor is the development of the Wii", states Mario Luigioni, noted video gamologist, "The Wii does not rely on the traditional skills of jump, run left and right, and complex combinations of keys on an inscrutable interface that has no broader applications than video games".

However, not all experts are as concerned. Noted Russian computer scientist Dr. Pavlov Tetrisky notes that U.S. youth are just as able to devote vast quantities of time to sedentary, isolating, and narrowly applicable skills as they ever were. "The world still has a lot to learn from the U.S. and we continue to lag behind", says Dr. Tetrisky, adding, "the current shift away from traditional video game skills merely points the way to a whole new set of abilities, pathologies, and repetitive stress syndromes to be reported on Fox".

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