Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 3 December 2007

New Source Of Green Energy Identified

Researchers in a suburban laboratory with forced-air heat and deep pile shag carpeting report making a shocking new discovery with far-reaching implications for efforts to convert the nation's economy to green energy sources. The scientists report that almost limitless electrical energy can be generated from what they have termed Contained Automatic Transducer Systems (CATS). While the findings are purely preliminary, the data indicate that CATS can be allowed to travel across the flooring of the laboratory, creating a significant electric charge, which can be conducted into a receiving device. According to an article soon to appear the journal Cat Fancy, the CATS need very little input power to generate thorough output charge, though the power generating capability of CATS seems to fall off as the unit ages.

Unfortunately, the mechanism by which CATS generate power is still not clearly understood. Most suppositions focus around the prevalence of Externally Fixated Generation Filaments (EFGF) on the CATS, since there seems to be high correlation between the density and length of the EFGF and the conductivity of CATS. Critics point out that the waste products of CATS are toxic to humans and require special disposal methods. More importantly, there is growing concern that EFGF is a highly unstable substance that can cause severe respiratory difficulties. Researchers admit that there is still much work to be done before CATS can be harnessed as a safe and reliable power source, but reportedly remain confident of eventual success.

Capitol Christmas Tree: A Survivor

Beetle infestation, drought, and fires are just a few of the difficulties that trees must overcome every year. The Capitol Christmas Tree is no exception. In fact, this year's tree nearly died, requiring an entire team of trained forestry professionals. "It would have been a shame to cut that tree down, so we worked very hard to make it the healthiest tree in the forest", says Bud Cone, with the Forest Service. Cone practically beamed as he watched the tree he had worked to save be cut down and allowed to serve as an ambiguously religious offering to the darkness.


White House Announces Change Of Direction

While the White House has long used the phrase "War on Terror" to mobilize support for its Middle East policy, many political experts have suspected that different motivations are driving the administration. This week, those experts were rewarded with an announcement by White House Press Secretary Dana Perino that the administration would no longer use the term "War on Terror", preferring a term which more closely matches their Middle East policy goals. "From this point forward, all communications regarding Middle East policy will be grouped under the heading 'War on Islam'", stated Ms. Perino. Consistent with this change, Iraqi insurgents are now officially known as "infidels" and members of the U.S. Military will be known as "Soldiers of the Cross".

Most experts indicated that this came as little surprise, considering President Bush's frequent use of the term "crusade" in speeches about Iraq and the region generally. Several highly placed officials noted that the change is more than a simple motivational move for the U.S. Military. "In reality, the shift represents a radical shift in the goals of the war", says Reverend John Templar, a military historian with Catholic University, adding, "Conversion by the sword has historically been far more successful than instituting democracy by the sword; we just have a better track record".

More importantly, the real benefit to this approach is that "torture" can now be viewed in its appropriate light. Rather than being some horrible human rights offence, it can be viewed as an evangelical tool, or what experts call "witnessing tools". "Through water boarding and other innovative witnessing tools, we are able to make the suffering of Christ real to the infidels", says Pat Robertson, speaking to the press following a prayer breakfast with the president, adding, "we are merely offering the infidels an opportunity to understand true salvation, just like St. John Nepomucene, who was martyred by drowning at the hands of 'good king' Wenceslaus".

The change in policy has been welcomed by all Republican presidential candidates except Senator John McCain (R-AZ). All candidates reportedly heaved a collective sigh of relief, agreeing that "witnessing tools" make denial much easier to achieve.

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© 2006, 2007 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler