Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 10 December 2007

Lowering Your Footprint

While most environmental efforts have focused on the footprint of companies, countries, and consumer products, less attention has been paid to food itself. Now all that has changed with a new initiative by the Atkins Foundation for the Environment.

The core of the Atkins initiative is an emphasis on the carb footprint of each individual. "This is a scientifically-based approach, taking what we know about foods and applying that to environmental principles", contends Foundation Vice-President of Cross-Product Marketing, John Carne-Asada, who also holds a position on the board of the National Cattlemen's Association. The science backing up the carb footprint initiative holds that higher carbs, particularly from beans, legumes, and many grains, significantly increase the methane output of the average person. "As we know, methane is one of the most dangerous greenhouse gases", points out Carne-Asada.

The press materials from the Atkins Foundation for the Environment acknowledge that reducing the carb footprint of vegetarians will be difficult, writing, "Vegetarians, despite their holier-than-thou attitude, usually have a high carb footprint". At this time, the Foundation is urging policy makers to recommend that vegetarians seek out and pay meat-lovers a food stipend to achieve a carb off-set.

While free market economists at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse applaud this effort at carb off-sets, many climate experts argue that such policies can never be truly effective. These climate experts insist that there will be a need to pursue what is known as carb sequestration. Using carb sequestration, carbs are disposed of in a "carb sink", effectively removing the carbs from your life, making them someone else's problem.

While there is a certain elegance to this solution, critics have pointed out that forcing carbs into a carb sink simply moves the problem and there is not proof that carbs will not leak out of the carb sink, causing unintended future ozone depletion. "A carb sink is just a fancy name for a garbage disposal", says Dr. Robert N. Zyme, lead researcher for carb filtration at Penn State University, adding, "We need to pursue ways to break down the carbs before they become methane".

Industry analysts expect that no single method will triumph. "This is not the all-or-nothing problem that the Atkins Foundation for the Environment believes it to be", says environmentalist Dr. Arthur S. Agatston, of South Beach.


CIA Takes Steps To Allay Concerns

In response to the growing controversy over the suspected destruction of video footage of CIA interrogations, the intelligence agency has announced that it will launch a new web site. The site, known as, will be a clearing house, where CIA agents will be able to upload home movies of interrogations, torture, beatings, top secret information, and lip-synched videos to popular songs. "We felt that our agents really needed a creative outlet", said CIA Director General Michael V. Hayden, USAF, adding, "We really need to thank the justices and members of Congress who helped us realize the way we were stifling our agents' creativity".

General Hayden also announced the reservation of "", with plans to eventually allow agents to post pictures of sub-human terrorism suspects, which include hilarious out-of-context captions, like "OK, I KILD JFK, THNX". "Abu Ghraib was really just the tip of the iceberg for American creativity", said Hayden.

Congressional Panel On Doping

In a shocking twist, the Congressional panel on doping recently shifted its gaze away from baseball to practices within both houses of Congress. According to the panel, the practice of doping is widespread within the Congress. Those who have read the initial drafts of the Congressional Doping Report (CDR) indicate that there are "disturbing scenes", which include images of Ted Kennedy (D-MA) dropping his pants.

Some political analysts are not surprised by the report. "Hey look, you want these guys to swing big and make a big impact, so you can't really fault them for trying to improve their performance", said a blood-shot-eyed, rail-thin Capitol Hill bike courier with a persistently runny nose, who refused to give his name after stepping out of the Hart Senate Office Building following a "delivery".

Other experts agreed that the findings were not surprising, but instead emphasized the moral and medical implications. "Many people start doping under the assumption that it will improve their performance, but I think the evidence to the contrary is pretty clear", says doping expert, Dr. Richard Marin of UCLA. Pharmaceuticals expert Dr. Thomas Chong agreed, adding, "That guy [John] Kerry [D-MA] is so slow, he just has to be on something".

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© 2006, 2007 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler