Irregular Reporting of Societal Issues^SM

Lowering Your Footprint

The core of the Atkins initiative is an emphasis on the carb footprint of each individual. "This is a scientifically-based approach, taking what we know about foods and applying that to environmental principles", contends Foundation Vice-President of Cross-Product Marketing, John Carne-Asada, who also holds a position on the board of the National Cattlemen's Association. The science backing up the carb footprint initiative holds that higher carbs, particularly from beans, legumes, and many grains, significantly increase the methane output of the average person. "As we know, methane is one of the most dangerous greenhouse gases", points out Carne-Asada.

The press materials from the Atkins Foundation for the Environment acknowledge that reducing the carb footprint of vegetarians will be difficult, writing, "Vegetarians, despite their holier-than-thou attitude, usually have a high carb footprint". At this time, the Foundation is urging policy makers to recommend that vegetarians seek out and pay meat-lovers a food stipend to achieve a carb off-set.

While free market economists at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse applaud this effort at carb off-sets, many climate experts argue that such policies can never be truly effective. These climate experts insist that there will be a need to pursue what is known as carb sequestration. Using carb sequestration, carbs are disposed of in a "carb sink", effectively removing the carbs from your life, making them someone else's problem.

While there is a certain elegance to this solution, critics have pointed out that forcing carbs into a carb sink simply moves the problem and there is not proof that carbs will not leak out of the carb sink, causing unintended future ozone depletion. "A carb sink is just a fancy name for a garbage disposal", says Dr. Robert N. Zyme, lead researcher for carb filtration at Penn State University, adding, "We need to pursue ways to break down the carbs before they become methane".

Industry analysts expect that no single method will triumph. "This is not the all-or-nothing problem that the Atkins Foundation for the Environment believes it to be", says environmentalist Dr. Arthur S. Agatston, of South Beach.

CIA Takes Steps To Allay Concerns

General Hayden also announced the reservation of "lolprizonerz.com", with plans to eventually allow agents to post pictures of sub-human terrorism suspects, which include hilarious out-of-context captions, like "OK, I KILD JFK, THNX". "Abu Ghraib was really just the tip of the iceberg for American creativity", said Hayden.

Congressional Panel On Doping

Some political analysts are not surprised by the report. "Hey look, you want these guys to swing big and make a big impact, so you can't really fault them for trying to improve their performance", said a blood-shot-eyed, rail-thin Capitol Hill bike courier with a persistently runny nose, who refused to give his name after stepping out of the Hart Senate Office Building following a "delivery".

Other experts agreed that the findings were not surprising, but instead emphasized the moral and medical implications. "Many people start doping under the assumption that it will improve their performance, but I think the evidence to the contrary is pretty clear", says doping expert, Dr. Richard Marin of UCLA. Pharmaceuticals expert Dr. Thomas Chong agreed, adding, "That guy [John] Kerry [D-MA] is so slow, he just has to be on something".

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