Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 17 December 2007

NJ Eliminates Death Penalty

Critics of capital punishment are hailing New Jersey as a leader, ever since Governor Jon S. Corzine signed a law making New Jersey the first state to abolish the death penalty in 40 years. However, some critics are not so sure that platitudes are in order. Polls conducted in New Jersey find that a majority remains in favor of the death penalty and legal experts fully expect challenges to the law. More important, however, death row inmates will be moved to abandoned warehouses in Hoboken, Newark, and Jersey City. "We simultaneously eliminate the moral ambiguities of capital punishment, while removing any compelling need to clean up several superfund sites", says a spokesperson for the Department. Some human rights activists feel that the alternative solutions offered by New Jersey's Department of Corrections may actually be less humane than capital punishment, essentially concluding that lifetime incarceration in northern New Jersey may be considered cruel and unusual.

Researchers Struggle With Mental Illness Testing Methods

Researchers continue to work on more advanced methods of testing mental illness therapies on non-human subjects. "The problem is that human neuroses are hard to replicate in non-human subjects", says Florida State University researcher Dr. Ghu Fi. This is exactly the hurdle that Dr. Ghu Fi and his Orlando-based team of researchers is trying to surmount.

According to new research published in the New England Journal of Medicine, Dr. Ghu Fi and his team have been breeding mice specifically for higher levels of neuroses. "It really goes beyond genetics, though", says Dr. Ghu Fi, "We try to create emotional situations that are unbearable for mice, so that each mouse can be a microcosm of pain and suffering".


These ground-breaking efforts had a slow start. "Initially, we attempted to create stressful family situations by placing young mice in non-traditional households", reports Dr. Fi. However, researchers found that mice raised by same-sex parents were consistently more self-confident, more compassionate, and more intelligent, showing that mouse family structure is completely irrelevant for studying human family structure, where same-sex parents are shown to significantly increase the likelihood that children will become cannibals.

Fortunately, the researchers achieved a breakthrough that continues to bear fruit. "We were able to create our first thoroughly neurotic mouse by a regimen of daily yelling, based on a series of pre-determined derogative statements", says Dr. Fi. Testing on the mouse, nicknamed "Mickey", revealed serious emotional issues, which greatly pleased Ghu Fi and his team.

Predictably, spokespersons for animal rights advocates expressed concerns. "We question the wisdom of encouraging mousal abuse", says Minnie Walter, spokesperson with People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), adding, "We think this methodology says more about the researchers than it does about emotionally troubled humans".

However, such concerns are unlikely to hinder further development of emotionally damaged laboratory mice. "With Mickey, we barely scratched the surface of our testing capabilities", says Dr. Ghu Fi, adding, "Subsequent mice are likely to be quivering emotional basket cases, offering glimpses into the most pressing emotional problems faced by human emotional basket cases today". When asked to respond to PETA's accusations regarding his methods, Dr. Ghu Fi said, "It's not like I have anger issues or problems with mice; I'm just helping mankind".

Job Posting: Vertebrate Ecologist

The National Science Foundation is seeking ecologists specializing in climate change and impacts on animal species. Must possess a backbone that can withstand political pressure.

Historically Weak


More Recently Weak

Back to Newsweakly Main Page

Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006, 2007 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler