Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 24 December 2007

Turkey Invades

All eyes were on the White House today, following the shocking announcement that Turkey invaded Christmas, with provisions being countered in the early morning hours. Given the administration's position on cross-border security, analysts were not surprised to hear the White House spokespersons say, "All options are on the table" for Turkey, particularly given the constant threats to Turkey's autonomy.

According to sources close to Turkey, the objective of the incursion is a strongly disputed location named Mesa de Comedor, a name deriving from Spanish influence during the Crusades. Disturbingly, bread crumbs embedded with the Turkey are reporting use of biological warfare on the targets, though this has yet to be independently confirmed and remains a concern primarily among those critical of the practice of embedding bread crumbs.

What is known, however, is that Turkey was supported by a legion of MPs (Mashed Potatoes). "The support of the MPs was pure gravy for Turkey", says military analyst Harry Coh-Vert, adding, "The MP support appears to have allowed others players to be smothered as they step up to the plate". Further, shortly after reaching Mesa de Comedor, Turkey was joined by a legion of Ham. "The Ham situation is clearly spiraling out of control", says diplomatic expert Candide Yahm, echoing a growing sentiment.

International observers have noted that the surrounding locals have remained in danger throughout the incursion by insisting on drawing near to Mesa de Comedor. "There was definitely a high risk of bad blood around Mesa de Comedor", notes Coh-Vert. While early reports indicate few, if any, casualties, many feel that the emotional scars will last a lifetime. "Those poor people just do not seem to understand the inherent danger in the Mesa de Comedor situation", concludes Yahm.


Yule Log Tradition Continues

The National Park Service continued a venerable tradition this year with the burning of the National Yule Log. This somewhat quirky attraction sits just yards from the far more glamorous National Christmas Tree, but manages to attract less attention. Most visitors to the Yule Log are locals and those enthralled by its life-like qualities generally only available on High-Definition TV.

Those who tend the fire are not disappointed by the attention it gets. "We like our quiet little event", says "fireman" Guy Montag, adding, "It just feels more meaningful and intimate this way". Montag's supervisor, Albert Beatty, echoes the sentiment, saying, "We can feed the fire with almost anything we want".

According to tradition, the fire is started without lighter fluid, but they are allowed to use paper. "We find that pages from books are really the best fire starter; it just seems to burn hotter, as though the fire were cleansing something dirty", says Beatty. Professor Castell Faber, unofficial historian of the National Yule Log and retired professor of English at American University, notes that the current administration has been particularly interested in the tradition. "Unlike previous administrations, they have been very helpful. They have asked what sorts of books are best to start the fire and provided them by the truckload", says Faber. Beatty notes that the White House has continued to donate a steady stream of books. "We told them that we don't let the fire go out until January, but they insist that it never hurts to have extras to throw on the fire". In fact, there are several pallets of books by Noam Chomsky, Susan Sontag, Michael Moore, Al Franken, and Al Gore. "They tell us these are more flammable", says Montag, who admits that, after the tourists go home, they do put a few of the books on the fire. "You know, they do send out quite a strong flame", says Montag.

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