Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 31 December 2007

Local Couple Continues Holiday Travel Tradition

Each year local couple Lilian and Steven Moller have engaged in a tradition of holiday travel. Usually, the two fly to remote parts of the globe, much to the surprise and sometimes even envy of friends and relatives. "We just love seeing the world at Christmas time" says Lilian, "It gives us the opportunity to gain an entirely new perspective on the holiday". Her husband Steven agrees, noting, "It's almost like we are better able to enjoy the season by appreciating it through the eyes of other cultures around the world".

The holiday trip has become enough of a tradition that the couple involves friends and relatives remotely through the internet. "We feel it is important to give something back and entertain people", says Steven. So far, the effort has paid off, with many people saying they look forward to the departure of the Mollers for some place far away. "We really enjoy receiving an email from thousands of miles away, probably as much as they enjoy sending it from that far away", says Gregory Charlotte, Lilian's cousin.

To make the experience more enjoyable, each trip has a theme and a title. This year's episode was a trip to Egypt entitled "Tour de Nile". As usual, their web site included many fascinating facts about their trip, along with captivating pictures of places most relatives and friends would never dream of visiting. However, despite the raving that is done about the couple's travel, some critics feel that this year's title is emblematic of some deeper issue. "It's like those ungrateful kids don't even want to see their long-suffering relatives at this most cherished time of year", said Sarah Harding, Steven's aunt.

The Moller's, however, contend that the travel is simply about enjoying life far away from home during the holidays. "It isn't like we are avoiding family drama or something", says Steven, "we love our families and it is purely coincidental that this year's Tour de Nile happened across the entire time that the extended family was in town".


Police Investigate Grisly Post-Christmas Massacre

An early morning call to local police did not bode well. "The hairs just stood up on my neck", says Police Chief Chris O'Chringel, "I just knew it was something really, really bad". According to eyewitnesses, Chief O'Chringel underestimated what he would face that day.

O'Chringel and his team arrived at the yard at 12 Days End Court to find a scene of merriment and joy turned to carnage. "It was just unspeakably horrible; there were inflatable Rudolves everywhere", says Officer Hermey Elfman, adding "It's days like these that I wish I had pursued dentistry, like I had always wanted".

The official police report was released to the press and reveals a sickening display. The report cites at least 18 illuminated reindeer, three illuminated igloos, 550 yards of multi-colored twinkle lights, 27 illuminated candy canes, 13 illuminated penguins, four illuminated Santas, 2 animatronic illuminated coke-drinking polar bears, eight illuminated snowmen, and 325 yards of blue icicle-style lights, but these were not what chilled the hearts of first-responders.

As outlined in the report, the first officers on the scene encountered at least 19 inflatable holiday yard ornaments, including five instances of Rudolf, two over-sized snowmen, three Santas, one snow-globe containing a Mr. and Mrs. Clause, and between 8 and 10 yard elves. The police department's forensic pathologist Yu-Khan Cornelius indicates that all inflatables had been "depressurized", in the sanitized language of his official report. "It was like they had just had the plug pulled", said Cornelius, speaking with reporters by phone.

Due to the shocking nature of the wholesale eradication of so many yard ornaments, responsibility for directing the investigation has been turned over to FBI investigation Arthur Rankin and Jules Bass. However, the carnage has taken a toll. O'Chringel's wife reports that he just has not been the same since. "He has never taken a case so personally before, and I have really started to worry about him", says Ms. O'Chringel.

Historically Weak


More Recently Weak

Back to Newsweakly Main Page

Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006, 2007, 2008 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler