Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 30 June 2008

Local Couple Welcomes Bundle Of Joy

Following a medically unprecedented and emotionally draining several year gestation, the Moller family of suburban Whitehorse, Yukon Territory has successfully delivered a largely bright white bundle of joy. The handsome collection of sheets was measured at 25-pound bond and mostly 8.5 by 11. "It is truly beautiful", said Adelle Moller, with a classically maternal turn of phrase issued from doctor-prescribed rest in the couple's bedroom. Adelle's husband Sam agreed, using equally paternal language, noting, "We have waited for this day for so long and here it is", adding, "It's even more beautiful than I imagined".

Most of the Moller's friends agreed that their bundle of joy is truly impressive. However, speaking confidentially, some noted that all may not be as it seems. "They tell you that it is 100% bright white, but we are pretty sure we saw evidence of some recycled 20-pound bond in the pile somewhere", noted the wife of one couple. This same woman's husband interjected, even more pointedly, "Heck, 'bright white'? There are sheets of pure yellow and pink in there, if I have two eyes. And there are some odd sized sheets in that pile, too. Mark my words".

For their part, the Mollers seem to acknowledge that their bundle of joy might only be perfect in their own eyes. "Sure, there are some sheets in the stack that are not quite 8.5 by 11, but don't we all have some odd sizes in our stacks?", asked Sam Moller. "We're just glad it has all the sheets it's supposed to have", added wife Adelle.

Other friends are concerned about the Moller's underlying motivations. "Don't get me wrong, I love the Mollers and wish them the best", says close friend and clinical social worker Dr. Catherine Randall, "but I worry that engaging in this kind of paperwork is really just a cry for help". Randall went on to add, "While everyone loves a bundle of paperwork, after the fun and excitement have worn off, I worry that the Mollers will just be forced to do something else bureaucratic, like refinance their house. The cycle must have an end".


Despite any lingering concerns about the consistency of the Moller's bundle of joy, or their motives, their friends agree that the couple has increasingly been focused on the future. "They are just glowing", summed up one close friend. "All they talk about are future possibilities for their bundle of joy", commented another, "It's really quite touching".

Reports widely agree that the Mollers have some very specific goals for their bundle of joy. In particular, the couple hopes that their 25-pound, bright-white bundle will, in years to come, blossom Pinocchio-like into an actual child. Until that miracle occurs, the couple intends to rest easy in the confidence that their bundle of joy brought happiness, employment, and purpose to countless bureaucrats and social workers.

Clinton And Obama Address Supporters In New Hampshire

Senators Hillary Clinton and Barak Obama gave rousing speeches last week at an appearance in Unity, New Hampshire, meant to emphasize their intent to bring the party together in support of Senator Obama presidential candidacy. Clinton, in particular spoke passionately to her supporters, saying, "get over it", adding, "we lost; it was narrow, but we lost". She went on to point out that "John McCain does not believe the same things as you people -- Barack Obama does". She concluded her speech with the words, "Please, please people, think of the Supreme Court nominations. Don't screw this up; vote for Obama".

Fed Lowers Human Interest Rate

The Fed lowered its human interest rate, deciding to care a little less about Americans in financially problematic mortgages. Fed Chairman Ben Bernenke referred to the financially strapped borrowers as "sub-primates". "For a while, we had interest in them as humans, but we just kept lowering our human interest rate until one day--wham, it was just zero", added Bernenke, "Sorry, we captains of industry and the insanely wealthy just care very little about you". Analysts do not expect the Human Interest Rate to rise any time in the near future. Wall Street did not react at all to the news.

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