Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 7 July 2008

New Lawn Care Option

As summer brings the usual high temperatures, many people begin to think of lawn care and, in particular, the best way to retain an almost unnaturally green lawn throughout the hot and dry summer months. Lawn care enthusiasts everywhere have waited long enough; a product has just been announced on the market that may be the answer to this age-old conundrum.

Monsanto and DuPont and recently announced a long-term partnership, designed to bring cutting-edge lawn care products to market faster than ever before. Analysts are excited about the joint venture, tentatively to be called DuPanto. "The company that brought us GMO corn, RoundUp, RoundUp Ready Soybeans, and a host of other products that tied the hands of poor farmers the world over has always had the potential to revolutionize our environment, but they always seemed to lack something, and I think DuPont brings that extra something", said lawn care industry analyst Alfalfa Verde with Clover and Crabgrass, LLP.

With an already impressive resume of advanced-technology botanical products already under its belt, those outside the industry might wonder what DuPont could bring to the DuPanto partnership. The value-add in the transaction can be captured in two words: Teflon and Kevlar.

The first product that will come to market under the DuPanto name is a scientifically engineered "grass", which will be marketed under the name KevlawnTM. The new grass is designed to be green all year long, with a height of less than one inch, and eliminate the intrusion of insects and other vermin, all while providing a secure guarantee that other insurgent plant strains in the immediate vicinity cannot infiltrate the yard. These benefits are realized through the application of an "active" prevention technology that targets unwanted pests, whether these are insects, rodents, or other grasses, plants, and weeds.


The result is a lawn that can withstand even the toughest summer heat, the most aggressive game of rugby, the most invasive pests, and the odd improvised explosive device (IED). The U.S. Central Command (CentCom) has already requested several tons of KevlawnTM from DuSanto, for use around U.S. bases in Iraq.

Some critics are not as excited as the U.S. Military. "We have very little testing data on this new product", notes environmental activist Mr. Bill Yuck, adding, "There may be unintended consequences from introducing such a product to the wider environment". The "active" component of KevlawnTM has generated the most concern, particularly around the ability for the product to discern between unwanted or harmful small varmints (called "lawn insurgents") such as rabbits and deer and neutral small varmints such as birds and children.

Representatives of the lawn care industrial complex also reacted negatively to the product announcement. "A product that stays green and requires no cutting will have a dramatically negative impact on the home improvement market, which includes lawn mowers, rakes, fertilizer, and grass seed, just to name a few", says Buster Little, spokesman for the Preteen Lawn Scalpers Union.

For their part, DuPanto brushes off concerns about both the environmental and economic impacts of KevlawnTM. "Homeowners need to determine where their priorities lie", says DuPanto spokesperson Kev Greenman, "A truly green lawn takes sacrifice". According to press releases, DuPanto has extensively tested KevlawnTM at several U.S. detention centers in undisclosed locations around the globe, with positive results. Naturally, the results will be kept classified, since sharing such details could put Americans in danger. "We are very excited about the product and what it has to offer the world", said DuPanto's Greenman, adding, "We believe in the right of every American to have a bullet-proof lawn".

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