Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 14 July 2008

New Safety Device On The Horizon

News has surfaced regarding interest by the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) in a proposed new Electronic ID Bracelet. According to the company seeking to manufacture the device, it will make air travel drastically simpler by eliminating old fashioned paper tickets and luggage tags. Instead, the bracelet will contain all pertinent information about a traveler, acting as an electronic boarding pass that is much harder to lose, passenger tracking device, and electronic luggage tag, allowing the airlines to electronically lose your luggage much more quickly. However, the most exciting function of the proposed Electronic ID Bracelet, and the element that caught the attention of DHS official, Paul S. Ruwaldt of the Science and Technology Directorate, office of Research and Development, is the ability for an authority figure to remotely disable the wearer through the use of electro-muscular disruption, much like a remote controlled taser.

"Our goal is to use our R&D funds to explore new options to make America safer and less complicated, so the Electronic ID Bracelet seems like a clear win", says Ruwaldt. However, DHS has been most impressed not by the technology, but by the overwhelmingly positive public response. "Americans have finally realized that we are here to protect them from fear", said DHS Secretary Michael Chertoff, adding, "We are just a giant comforting national nightlight that sees everything you do. Yes, even that".

Ruwaldt later acknowledged that an implementation of the airline Electronic ID Bracelet would likely be a proof-of-concept, preparing the bracelet for wider use. DHS plans include rolling out the bracelet, or similar technologies to schools, libraries, nursing homes, and the National Hockey League. "This sort of technology is perfect for any group of hard-to-control individuals on whom few funds are spent; it has a high return on investment", said Ruwaldt.

Leading civil rights organizations continued to applaud even these wider goals for the bracelet concept. "America has suffered for too long under the tyranny of fear, lawless, and depravity, so we welcome any technology that will help restore decent American values by
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using that very same fear for good", said leading civil rights advocate James Dobson with Focus on the Family. Plenty of other mainstream organizations agreed. "I just wish Jesse were alive to see this come to fruition", said Reverend Jerry Falwell, echoing the sentiments of many.

Congress Takes Action On Fannie Mae And Freddie Mac

With increasing concern and few details about the stability of mortgage lending giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, Congress has stepped boldly into action this week. "Based on the lack of hard data, we knew something radical needed to be done", said Representative Barney Frank (D-MA), chairman of the House Financial Services Committee.

It is the very nature of the fluid and vague situation that resulted in the approach taken by the House. Based on the success Apple has had manipulating the market, the House has asked Steve Jobs to be part of the bailout. According to Capitol Police cleaning staff, Steve Jobs will take the helm at both Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac simultaneously.

While unprecedented in the history of government oversight of the two mortgage lending giants, most insiders are incredibly excited about the development. Speculation on has been rampant on financial blogs, but most agree that Jobs' first move will likely to create a single easy-to-use financial appliance known as the iMortgageTM. The iMortgageTM will support all the capabilities of your existing mortgage, but faster and with fewer viruses.

Critics, though they are few, have been quick to point out that the iMortgage is not very transparent and can only be understood by Apple Geniuses. Furthermore, many complain that the iMortgageTM will only function with one mortgage provider, where the coverage is not that great. Finally, an additional few malcontents have pointed out that the DRM (Domicile Rights Management) inherent in the iMortgageTM is far more restrictive than earlier, less-popular mortgages. Despite such completely harsh and unwarranted criticisms, the market responded favorably. Lenders were lined up outside both Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, hoping to be one of the first accountants to have an iMortgageTM.

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