Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 18 August 2008

Dedicated Correspondents Struggle Through Inconceivable Odds To Examine New Olympic Sport

While the floodlights at the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing tended to focus on such obvious highlights as U.S. swimming sensation Michael Phelps, the press worked tirelessly in the shadows to bring legitimacy to what has, up until now, remained a tarnished and largely ignored exhibitionist sport--the sport known as 9-yard Hyperbole.

Some critics of the sport have asked why they insist on using the old "English" measurement system, when other sports have moved to the metric system. "We have struggled to support tradition against all odds, as a way of honoring the blood, sweat, and tears of the brave souls who went before us", says Ben Short-Cummins, a long-time participant in the sport. Joe Striver, another toiler on the road to 9-yard Hyperbole acceptance agreed, adding, "It is not really about the units you use, but the strength of your integrity, how you face up to challenges that no one else can conceive of, making the most of your God-given abilities, and overcoming your human short-comings". It should also be noted that, for a short time, there was a 3-meter Hyperbole, but it just did not seem as compelling as the full 9-yard version.

Few in the press can claim as much credit for the ascendancy of this oft-maligned and misunderstood sport as writer / director / producer Mitch Hart-Strings. Hart-Strings has spent the last 20 years producing 5-10 minute human-interest stories that highlight triumph over adversity, elevating the strength of the human spirit on the long road to success, beset with side-trips to despair, pain, and agony. It was this tireless and selfless work by Hart-Strings that has brought the spotlight of success and acceptance to a sport that brings out the best in the human race.

"This year, it remains purely and exhibitionist sport, but we overcame the 'great wall' of opposition to our efforts to really shine with the talent that makes Americans who we are", said Hart-Strings. Short-Cummins agreed, saying, "We look forward to the next Summer Games, where we expect to ascend to the top of the sports tower in London". Added Striver, "We can hear London calling. Can you?"


GM To Release Hybrid SUV

Consistent with the goal to turn around the once-dominant domestic car manufacturer, executives at General Motors (NYSE:GM) have announced plans to release a radically new hybrid SUV. "We are very proud of our accomplishment, which highlights the ingenuity and competitive spirit of the American worker", said G. Richard Wagoner, Jr., GM's Chairman and Chief Executive Officer. Analysts are also excited about the new hybrid, which relies on a distinctly different approach than that of hybrid market leader, Toyota (NYSE:TM). "GM has refused to simply follow in the path that others have trod", says auto industry analyst Ian Kilmister, adding, "We are very excited about their approach and the new direction it offers the American automobile industry".

The new hybrid will be marketed as the Hummer HyJAC, appearing in the existing Hummer line, which has been hit hard by the increase in gasoline prices. The "HyJAC" designation represents "Hybrid Joint Automated Control", which spokespersons for the company says, "highlight the ability of the new Hummer to seamlessly deliver all of the power and guts you would expect from a true Hummer". According to press materials, the HyJAC drive, is based on advanced aliphatic hydrocarbon technology, combined with simple oxygen to produce power in two separate drive trains. The primary drive train is based on a 6.0 litre, 325 horsepower, V8 engine, while the secondary drive train is based on a 1.6 litre, 103 horsepower 4-cylinder engine. "This unique drive train combination allows us to leverage the compact efficiency of the 4-cylinder with the power of the V8 for appropriately powered travel, wherever you go", reads the marketing brochure.

Not all industry analysts are as excited as Mr. Kilmister. "What we have here is an attempt to obscure the debate about fuel efficiency", says bleeding-heart Rachel Greenway. However, wet blankets like Greenway are not preventing GM from moving forward aggressively on their new venture. "The new Hummer HyJAC allows us to put the focus on improving the efficiency and usefulness of existing gasoline engines", says GM's Wagoner, adding, "There is a lot more to do in the dependence market".

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