Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 25 August 2008

Former President Clinton Buries Hatchet With Obama

Many political pundits expected difficulties at the Democratic National Convention in Denver between the Obama and Clinton camps. However, all that seems to have been put to rest with the speech of Senator Hillary Clinton, but potentially to an even greater degree with the ever-smooth oration skills of the Senator's husband and former president Bill Clinton.

Many pundits noted how the smoothness of his speech was above and beyond his usual proficiency, even being described as "velvety", without a touch of the stain that had crept into his descriptions of Obama during tense moments on the campaign trail. Based on the passion in former president Clinton's speech, political analysts expect both Clintons to begin campaigning for Obama in earnest, following the conventions. Said one female supporter, "Bill's speech was just fantastic; give that man a cigar".

McCain And Republican Convention To Counter Democratic Party Event

Given the overwhelming scale of the last night of the Democratic National Convention at Invesco Field at Mile High, where an estimated 84,000 people gathered to hear Barack Obama make his acceptance speech, the Republican National Committee and its nominee have been rethinking their approach to their own finale, where Senator John McCain will give his acceptance speech. According to sources within the Republican National Committee (RNC), Senator McCain has been urging the use of a cultural icon that will match the outsized scale of Invesco Field, while resonating with the youth of today, which is reportedly why plans call for McCain to give his acceptance speech from the big chair used by Lily Tomlin for her character Edith Ann during her time on Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In.


McCain Chooses Mate

The Phoenix society circles are all a-buzz with news that former Navy pilot John McCain, son and grandson of admirals, selected a beautiful and driven younger woman to be his mate. She is reported to bring energy to the team, as well as significant fund-raising capabilities. It is reported that Mr. McCain has also selected a Vice Presidential candidate using similar criteria.

Bush Urges War On Weather

In what appears to be an attempt to counter the impression that the Republican Party cares little about the impacts of severe storms on non-whites and the poor, president Bush has begun to take a strong stance on addressing the concerns of severe weather. Speaking with reporters recently, Bush emphatically stated, "We must take the fight to these tropical depressions where they form, before they become full-fledged hurricanes and strike here on American soil". Providing details of the president's plan at a later time, White House spokesperson Dana Perino said, "All options are on the table with respect to the War on Weather. At the present time, the president has asked us to consider seeding clouds with anti-depressants to prevent them from becoming full-fledged hurricanes".

Evangelical Group Endorses Candidate

As the battle for the evangelical vote heats up, another group has taken sides in the matter. The NEPC has formally endorsed former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee for the Republican nomination. William Dally, spokesperson for NEPC said, "We feel that Governor Huckabee represents what is best about evangelicals in America and has the best chance to win in November", at a press conference late last week. Dally went on to add, "You can expect the highest level of support from the National Evangelical Procrastinators Congregation, or our motto isn't: Seek Jesus Tomorrow".

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