Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 1 September 2008

Palin A Breath Of Fresh Air To Conservative Base

Republican Party presidential nominee, Senator John McCain (AZ), surprised the country and the world with his choice for running mate in Alaska Governor Sarah Palin. However, the choice seems to have energized the conservative base of the Republican Party. "We are just real excited about what she brings to the table", said a member of the Kansas delegation in St. Paul, Minnesota.

While remaining largely ignorant of her actual record of governance, while in office in Alaska, conservatives have focused on Palin's family credentials, as evidenced by her five children. "Just look at her family and you can see how much she embodies the traditional American family values and why she would make a fabulous leader", says Jeremiah Polk, a minister and convention delegate from Iowa, adding, "The very importance of her family values makes discussion of her family completely off-limits, at least to the angry left".

While not entirely clear of what her daily duties would be as vice president, Palin says that she intends to bring strong, traditional, conservative Family Values TM back into governance. At a recent scripted press event, Palin urged Americans to support her press for Traditional Family Values TM by joining her to repeal women's suffrage. The nearly all-female crowd, sporting more than a few Hillary Clinton t-shirts, cheered emphatically in their uncritical support.

Democrats Increasingly Concerned

With the triumphant close of the Democratic National Convention and the official party nomination of Illinois Senator Barack Obama as the presidential candidate, Democrats find themselves increasingly concerned about their prospects in November. At first giddy about the prospect of a historic presidential ticket, many party insiders, including super delegates, are expressing misgivings.

"We are so screwed", said Senator and super delegate Patrick Leahy (VT), putting voice to the thoughts of many. Leahy went on to add, "We really had a chance to win this. I mean, c'mon, the Republicans can't find their fannies with both hands right now, so what do we do?
[see next column...]


[...from previous column]
We try to nominate two people with more possibility to polarize the nation than ever before. We truly must be the party of self-loathing".

"We have just realized that our presidential nominee is not only black, but he has a really funny, Middle-Eastern-ish name", said Iowa voter Julia Whiteman, adding, "What were we thinking?"

Jon Stewart, the political conscience of the moderate left, reminded people that he had specifically made fun of Barack Obama's name when he first gave the keynote address at the 2004 Democratic Party convention, at the request of failed nominee John Kerry.

Experts have begun counseling the Democratic Party stalwarts to realize that they did their best and followed their conscience, even if it leads to yet another round of disappointment. "What party insiders need to understand is that, even if they had not nominated a person of color, they would have nominated a woman", says political analyst Mark Tyme. M.T. Head, another politics watcher agreed, adding, "More than that, their second choice was more polarizing than almost anyone, except perhaps Sarah Palin. Hey, I guess Palin and Clinton are more similar than I thought!"

Exciting New Executive Tool Hits Market

Though arriving with little official fanfare and an almost non-existent advertising budget, a strong buzz has been building around the latest time-saving device for the executive office suite: the Andersen-Bloch Universal Document Feeder System (UDFS, pronounced "you doofus").

UDFS accepts paper in sizes up to 13" x 19" and allows the user to fax, scan, copy, or shred in one simple device, all at the touch of a button. The unit ships defaulted to "shred".

People who liked this item might also like the Rove Application Persistence Engine for storage management of large volumes of email in high-profile organizations. When someone outside the organization really needs to retrieve something you have written in the past, then Rove Application Persistence Engine gives you real power to control access.

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