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"Get your news weakly"SM 8 September 2008

European Scientific Experiment Changes Reality

The new Large Hadron Collider (LHC), built by the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) in Switzerland, opened this week to much fanfare and scientific giddiness over the prospect of advances in most esoteric and least understood areas of fundamental particle physics. However, the project has also been something of a concern to some scientists and non-scientists alike.

These critics have leveled many charges against CERN regarding the safety of the LHC, including a general fear that the fabric of space-time could be ruptured by such work, which is touted to have the potential to create miniature black holes. As the LHC comes online this week, it would appear that critics have been more than justified in their concerns.

These very critics point to evidence that has emerged from St. Paul, Minnesota that significant space-time rifts have, in fact, opened.

"What else could possibly explain why Sarah Palin has emerged as a good choice for vice president?", asks an experienced contributor to Slashdot from his parent's basement in Montgomery County, Maryland. CERN issued official statements assuring the public that there is absolutely no connection between these events and that the LHC "could not be used to manipulate events outside the device itself" and "would play no role at all in the U.S. election unless absolutely necessary".

TSA To Begin Confiscating Pens

According to new guidelines, the Transportation Safety Administration (TSA) will begin confiscating pens. "It has come to our attention that the pen is mightier than the sword. Since we disallow passengers from carrying swords, it seemed reasonable to eliminate pens, as well", said TSA spokesperson Mehta Phorahkle. The new guidelines take effect immediately, to protect air travel from dangerous political dissent.


Hybrids Increase Market Share

The US Department of Transportation (DoT) has taken the lead in helping the US increase its efficiency rating. Starting this week, the definition of "hybrid car" will be changed to include any car with "significant capacity for the storage, retrieval, and usage of electrical power for critical functions", according to the updated guidelines. According to regulators, this can be taken to mean any car with a battery. As a result, the penetration of hybrid cars in the US rose to 100% overnight, placing the US on the forefront of clean energy adoption. However, critics note that the efficiency of the nation's hybrid cars has also declined with this announcement. Congress has demanded an inquiry into the decline in hybrid efficiency.

CIA Uncovers New Terror Leader

Diligent searches of the internet have revealed a shadowy figure that the CIA has labeled a "suspected poetic insurgent". So far, little is known of this man, except that he is an Iranian mathematician, probably involved in the establishment of the Iranian nuclear program. "We really know very little about Omar Khayyám, but he is suspected to be a significant funding source for radical Islamic activities throughout the world", said National Security Advisor Gul Able. Sources close to the CIA believe that Khayyám is evading detection by living off-shore on a ruby yacht.

Office Connection Slows

Local IT firm Falseum, Incorporated had a critical slow down today, impacting the abilities of its development team to bid on ebay, make connections on LinkedIn, watch the latest hot YouTube videos, listen to streaming internet radio, and other critical job functions. Some even reported problems with online gambling and porn. The infrastructure team lead says they are working on the problem, but the management team in application development has requested hourly updates in streaming video format until the situation improves.

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© 2006, 2007, 2008 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler