Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 15 September 2008

Further Bailout Announced

The newly announced federal bailout of American International Group (AIG) seems to signal more structural difficulties in a broader array of institutions, particularly as it falls on the heels of the Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac conservatorships, not to mention the federally-backed purchase of Bear Stearns by JPMorgan Chase. However, recent developments at Middle View High School sent shockwaves through the markets today, as yet another bailout was announced. Late last night, after football practice, the Middle View High School Varsity Cheerleading Squad announced that it had successfully negotiated a bailout of varsity quarterback Thad Boeuf-Kayke. "This signals a worrisome expansion of interventionist movements in the market, as well as a significant expansion of downward pressures", said Samantha Manischewitz, an analyst with T. Rowe Price (NYSE:TROW) and former cheerleader.

Sources close to the Varsity Cheerleading Squad indicate that the Squad felt that Boeuf-Kayke's ego was just too big to fail, and many analysts agree. "What we had after last week's dismal performance against High Mount High was a serious crisis of confidence that could have shaken the entire market", says Biff Patterson, independent analyst formerly with Bear Stearns, adding, "The entire school had emotional capital invested in Boeuf-Kayke, so we feel the cheerleaders made the right decision".

Other critics are not so sure. "Where were the cheerleaders last week after the Mathletes lost a crucial competition with Our Lady of Wrapped Knuckles Parochial School?", asks Nick Carraway, captain of the Middle View High Debate Team. Sherry Lypglahs, captain of the Varsity Cheerleading Squad addressed her critics, saying, "The difference is that the Mathletes could see their failure coming a mile away, while the entire market was shocked at the loss of manhood on the football field".

Despite concerns surrounding the nature of the bailout, administrators agree that it has had a positive effect on the social economy of Middle View High. "Yeah, Thad sure does have a
[see next column...]


[...from previous column]
spring in his step today", notes principal Buddy Smiler. Leading indicators of the health of the social economy have been rising on the hopes of future bailouts by the Varsity Cheerleading Squad.

USDA Issues Vegetarian Guidelines

Following the trend established by the official "USDA Organic" label, the US Department of Agriculture has decided to begin labeling food products as "vegetarian". As a whole, industry and consumer groups backed by large corporate donors have reacted positively to the news. "This allows us to finally have a standard against which to judge our products", says industry spokesperson Jim Kobe, adding, "Consumers will be able to know what is appropriate for them much more easily". Officials at the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) argue that the USDA has overstepped its bounds on issuing the certifications, but agree that the steps are necessary. "We felt that there has been too much confusion in the market about what types of food would be considered vegetarian", says FDA spokesperson John Toole, formerly a spokesperson for the American Cattlemen's Association, "These kinds of certifications really assist the average consumer with understanding what the government has decided is good for them".

Despite the general sense of optimism surrounding the new "USDA Vegetarian" designation, there is a small minority of critical voices. "We object to the types of food that the USDA has decided to label vegetarian", says consumer advocate and vegetarian Milton Milqtoste, "we don't have proper visibility into the standards used to set the regulations". Critics, including Milqtoste have been quick to draw attention to particular foods that the USDA has labeled vegetarian, including veal. "What critics don't understand", says Reverend Iva Duhble-Stahndert, "is that the calves used for veal never really had a life anyway, so they can hardly be called living beings. They have no more productive life than a head of broccoli, so I don't see the problem". Reverend Duhble-Stahndert acts as ethical consultant to the USDA for the creation of the new USDA Vegetarian label.

Add to Google

Historically Weak


More Recently Weak

Back to Newsweakly Main Page

Except where expressly noted,
all materials are completely ficticious, facetious, sarcastic, and
© 2006, 2007, 2008 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler