Irregular Reporting of Societal IssuesSM

"Get your news weakly"SM 22 September 2008

McCain To Suspend Campaign

Spokespersons for the campaign of Republican Party presidential candidate Senator John McCain are expected to announce that the candidate will suspend campaign activities immediately before the presidential debate, currently scheduled for Friday, 26 September 2008. The stated reason for the bold move is reportedly McCain's honest desire to focus attention on solving the credit crisis and shoring up the U.S. economy. Supporters have endorsed McCain's decision, pointing out that the economy was fine until McCain started campaigning in earnest, making the causal relationship between McCain and global prosperity unassailable.

However, rumors have begun circulating that there is an ulterior motive for the suspension. Sources indicate that McCain felt like he needed more time to cram for the debate. There are reports alleging that McCain is being quizzed daily by his staffers on issues that have been problematic for him in the past, such as which Muslim sect is dominant in which Middle-Eastern country. The same sources indicate that McCain will also be using the additional time preparing his running mate, Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, for the prospect of being without adult supervision for the duration of the debate on Friday.

Pig Reportedly Lonely

In the wake of the financial crisis that is occupying the news media and the presidential campaigns, the press has lost focus on one of the unseen victims of the financial meltdown: the lipstick-wearing pig. "We, as a nation, are better than that", said Democratic Party presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama, adding, "We need to rise above the partisan politics of the past and help this pig be the best lipstick-wearing pig it can be". The campaign of Republican Party candidate Senator John McCain challenged Obama's sincerity, releasing a statement that read, in part, "Senator Obama talks about concern for lipstick-wearing pigs, but what kind of real pig-leadership have we seen? This is just more of Obama's high-minded, liberal-elite rhetoric. Senator McCain has a long history of supporting pigs and will continue this support as president".


Treasury Institutes Cover Charge

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson has decided to levy a cover charge for entry into the Free MarketTM. "Look, if you want to play, you gotta pay", said Paulson, speaking to reporters. Some critics have asserted that the cover is too high. "I used to love the Free Market, but who can afford $700 billion?", said one person waiting in the un-moving line just outside the Free MarketTM. Paulson, for his part insists that he and the whole cadre of wealthy bouncers are not unreasonable and have proposed that all Americans may be able to split the cover charge amongst them. "What you people need to realize though is that, by splitting the cover charge, you will limit the access that average Americans can have to the Free MarketTM Club LevelTM, where the real action is", noted Paulson. Most experts predict that the average American will take the deal, since they have never even seen the Free MarketTM Club LevelTM anyway.

Fox Announces New Venture

Fox has announced a new venture for the Fox New Network, aimed at international travelers. Fox News will open outlets in all major international airports, starting with pilot programs in San Francisco International (SFO), Los Angeles International (LAX), Chicago O'Hare (ORD), Newark Liberty (EWR), Atlanta Hartsfield-Jackson (ATL), LaGuardia (LGA), and Washington National Airport (DCA). These Fox New Misinformation Kiosks will distribute disturbing pronouncements designed to sow a sense of creeping unease in the traveling public. "We are happy to provide this public service", says Fox Chairman Rupert Murdoch, "We predict it will raise our visibility among international travelers and simultaneously create a safer traveling experience by establishing a culture of fear". Dick Cheney, chairman of Vice Presidential Industries, Inc (DIFX:VICE) also endorsed the new move, which helped make analysts increasingly bullish on the new venture. One media analyst noted that the Misinformation Kiosks "build on the Fox News core competencies of fear mongering and sensationalism". Fox shares defied market expectations and rose 5% on the news.

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© 2006, 2007, 2008 Lea Ann Mawler & Stuart Mawler